whenever a poor fool decides to take the stall next to me in a public bathroom (a classic blunder), i make sure to shit as loudly and violently as possible to assert fecal dominance

just ate breakfast pizza rolls and they tasted so bad i dug the box out of the trash to make sure they weren't edibles

a man in a suit is walking down a sidewalk with a tree shadow on his back . ALT: a man in a suit is walking down a sidewalk with a tree shadow on his back .

exiting the DMV after arriving late for my appointment, stinking like a mf, on 3 hours of sleep with a new license despite being blind in one eye