Given the state of climate change, enroll your kids now in the soon to be high growth industry of gondeliering.

It's time for the hard truth. He never loved you, but mainly because he's not real. Turn off The Notebook and go to bed.

Even if you win the Miss Universe title, you can't use comets as collateral for your home loan.

Don't forget to subscribe. I've got a new live stream coming out where I unbox the seventh seal. Will it be another horse or just more screaming? Find out next week!.

Fentanyl seems to be proof that drug dealers aren't the heroes we thought they were.

I don't want to be ungrateful, but would it have been too much to teach me about growing vegetables, in addition to how to catch a fish? My mercury levels are crazy.

I get wanting to look more successful on a first date, but it might be a mistake to look like late-stage Howard Hughes.

Don't forget to ensure the casket opens to your good side in your will.

It's not a love triangle to keep things interesting for the plot. He's just cheating on you.

In the remake of the movie Scream, he says, "Look where I am, I turned on location services."

Is anyone interested in buying George Orwell's copy of the Anarchist Cookbook? I'll swap it for shares in a bridge.

Your autobiography becomes a bestseller once it is discovered to be an amazing sleep aid.

I see why people love bird-watching. I got some potentially profitable photos through a hotel window of a secretary bird with a dickcissel.

Is "kidult" just a way to sell things to people with Peter Pan syndrome?

You realize that if Plutarch had written Great Lives in the modern day, he would likely compare your life to that of Oscar the Grouch, if he considered you at all.

Do you ever look at the manicured course at the Masters and think how many jerks got reincarnated as blades of grass that perpetually get cut?

You shouldn't describe what you are doing in the basement as validating the Stanford Prison Experiment.

Young love often idealizes someone but eventually vilifies them. It's just not typically done with yourself.

Amid all the yelling and running, you will realize they meant to bring the other pigs in a blanket to the potluck.

Your capacity to learn new things has always been limited since you are a tattoo learner.

As a marriage counselor, you should develop more effective strategies than relying on mutually assured destruction.

I want a bunker like the one that Johnny Knoxville uses each April Fool's Day.

If enough friends jump off the bridge first and don't have time to move, then the fall will not be so bad. Maybe Mom was wrong.

Does anyone else play the game "schizophrenic or amateur rapper" when walking down the street?

Is it truly a test ride if I don't get to see how fast it can go in reverse?

Your reputation for being cold and unapproachable will be solidified after being left for dead on Mount Everest.

Today's Horoscope: The stars say, do you think they just wait around for you to contact them? They have a life, too, and maybe you should wait, since communicating in a timely manner apparently isn't important to our relationship.

I don't know who gave the key to happiness ninja training, but it is very hard to find.

Funhouse mirrors are the key to my maintaining a healthy body image.

Good job creating premeditated human combustion.