i headcannon falcor as a woman (:

zohran mamdani giving a speech. he’s edited to have red eyes and a facial scar over his eye. there is a hawk on his shoulder with a skull and bones eye patch. it smoking a cigarette

i like zohran ! but aesthetically he’s a bad fit to be mayor of NYC. he’s too nice looking. i recommend that he give himself a facial scar, wear red contacts, and adopt Falcor, who has razor sharp talons, can fly at up to 100mph, and is also city comptroller

if you don’t know someone’s pronouns it’s best to default to she/her, because it’s worse to offend a woman

when i was little i learned what chocolate lava cake was but never ordered it because i couldn’t imagine i deserved such a thing

told a girl to beg for it during sex and she immediately went for threatening to kill herself

telling someone how you like them more than your ex isn’t an appropriate or okay compliment. unfortunately nothing else hits the same

some of them kinda look like
a bunny rabbit that counts for sure

lmao like for real?

delicious

let me know if it works bestie

went to a queer hair salon and within 20 minutes the stylist recommended i read polysecure

a picture of chaser_baits arm with a big bruise that’s literally a perfect heart

let your girlfriend punch you 6 times in the arm. if the bruise forms a heart, it means she loves you. if not, you have to be mad at her for a week and not tell her why

a cop saw my tboy drinking hard kombucha and asked what it was, and my boy is so sweet and good at following directions he just held it up to cops face like an animal crossing character who caught a fish, and the cop just assumed it must not be alcohol then and let him go

when u first transition, you need to decide how into japan you’re going to be. i recommend only being a little bit into japan

i think people underestimate the cultural impact RFK will have as head of the FDA. we can finally try libertarian cuisine, which is like normal cuisine, but it makes you sick

i knew this gay guy in college who could smell when someone was on their period but was really self conscious about it bc that sounds so misogynistic

it was really sweet

lmao like it was all a set up?

once when i was a census taker, i was having a rough day and sat down with my head in my hands, and these two guys with huge stoner vibes came out of a smoke shop with a huge bong, a bunch of whippets, and a whippet dispenser, and they were like “wait are you ok? 🥺” and i said i was just tired. and one said “do you want a whippet?” and i felt like it’d be rude to say no. then while i was on the whippet they spilled the rest of the box, and i got up to help pick them up and they said “no. sit down. we want you to enjoy the whippet” then as they walked away, i noticed 2 whippets on the ground. i was still blasted from the nitrous and i got up to chase after them but then i thought “no. he wants me to enjoy the whippet” so i sat back down. i pocketed both those whippets to use in times of great need. they’re used now, although i kept the empty canisters, so i’ll always remember my visit from the whippet fairies

oh god do you think that’s why he always insists on wearing gloves… i thought he was just being careful but i’m worried he’s a man slut

it’s not my dentist right? please i couldn’t handle that right now. i thought we had something

tweet from “walking flex” @klovoxoo. it reads “there is no such thing as casual sex, nothing about sex is casual. you are inserting yourself into someone else. someone explain wtf is casual about that?” it was 248,000 likes

[at the dentist] before we do this, i wanna make sure ur not just using me
dentist: i just need to feel your gums to see if they’re inflamed, it’s really nothing serious
me: it’s serious to me
dentist: ok i’m just gonna go ahead and do it
me: ahe yoo sheeing osher patiensh

it’s hard to remember what we’ve lost 😔

my girlfriend went on a date with my other girlfriend and i got excited bc it meant i could use her steam account to play hades ii as long as i wanted while she was busy. no i wasn’t cucked, please don’t put in the paper that i was cucked

kinda sounds like ur the good roommate tbh

u look gorgeous (:

knew a lesbian who almost exclusively dated tgirls bc every cis woman they dated became a man and they wanted someone guaranteed not to do that

when women cry bc their dog will never understand how much they love him? that’s how i feel about the tboy at work

is it gauche to just repost some of my favorite tweets? id come up with new ones but i lost the divine spark of the poster