Watched a retirement video that ominously warned, "If you have 5 million dollars or more in pre-tax accounts, you're in trouble." Good thing I have poverty to keep me safe.

For dinner I ate chicken nuggets (but not real chicken nuggets, that's cruel) and sauerkraut. I know you're thinking, What's the special occasion? Just a little culinary research project I'm conducting to nail down my last meal choice if I end up on death row.

Saw an old man plodding down the road pulling a wagon full of crap behind him. I thought, That could be me when Donna gets tired of my old ass and kicks me out. Except she wouldn't let me use the gardening wagon. She'd say, You have two arms and one good hand; carry your own shit.

As far as interior design goes, I don't like using anything animal related as decoration (e.g. zebra prints, antlers) but I'm okay with a human skull.

Every time I hear someone say "6-7" I sing out 🎶 5 3 oh ni-e-ine 🎶 and they look at me like I'm the crazy one.

white mushrooms on a stump

lily pad

Uprooted tree. Stump looks like a tree person with a long arm.

Dog head-looking tree stump.

Hiking yesterday. #hiking #woods #mushroom #stump #lilypad

My wife called me at work and I asked her "did you get the drugs?," sounding like a guy who needed a fix instead of just inquiring about prescriptions. Since I work for the government, I'm expecting a random drug test notice soon.

Watched a young couple on YouTube listening to Fleetwood Mac's The Chain for the first time. When the singing started, one of them said, "They're taking us to church!" and all I was picturing was Stevie leading them into the woods where her coven was gathered.

While looking at sofas at the flea market, my wife sat on one and almost fell through to another dimension. I barely had time to grab her hand and pull her out of the portal before she was lost forever. Caveat emptor!

At the flea market today, I rubbed this weird-shaped lamp thinking it had a regular genie inside but instead a jinn popped out. It attached to me and now it's in my house haunting my man cave.

The ensemble I'm wearing today--dark gray corduroy pants; black and gray thin striped t-shirt; and black shoes--I call "hoary beatnik poet."

The ensemble I'm wearing today--brown, corduroy pants; green, short-sleeved, button-down shirt; and white shoes--I call "old man mall walker."

I haven't used my guillotine hardly at all in the last few years. I just have clothes draped on it.

The star on my house is simply a decoration with no special purpose other than to pay homage to the star-shaped headed cosmic creatures of the Antarctica mentioned in Lovecraft's At the Mountains of Madness.

A preview of my retirement plans: hanging out at the swamp.

I wondered if God was calling me but my phone said it was likely a scam.

We may need to switch our primary family exorcist. Nowadays when casting out demons, he seems to rely too much on ivermectin.

I bet there are just as many women serial killers as men, but we don't know about them because they are too smart to get caught.

I can't believe the GOP's big, beautiful bill includes two billion dollars to investigate Benghazi!

At physical therapy today, I had to stand on the balance board. I was wobbling all over the place like I was dancing to Bob Marley's Jammin' (which was playing on the radio).

Time flies! The kid stars who were popular when I was a young adult are now older than me!

My training program to get in shape and use my four years of NCAA college athletic eligibility at 62 has hit a snag. I'm limping around with a foot injury. Man, I could use some of that NIL money I was counting on.

I'm continuing my Easter tradition this year with a Wilhelm Dafoe double feature: The Last Temptation of Christ and Antichrist.
#Easter

Wow, Trump just signed an executive order proclaiming the New Jersey Generals Super Bowl LIX champs.

Most bullshit today isn't classy enough to be called balderdash.

🤣🤣🤣

Being married 40 years can change a guy. I mean, literally. Not only did I become an Auburn fan, but ancestry dot com now says I'm 8 percent German! I blame my Auburn-loving, German-born wife.

Lately I've become obsessed with trail running. On Thanksgiving morning, I went to a local nature preserve to get some exercise before the meal. The morning was dark and misty, the woods kind of creepy. Then the sun shone through the trees and ruined the mood. I still had a good workout though.

Lately my physical fitness routine has been watching videos about what exercises people over the age of fifty should not do.

My wife thinks I'm a vampire because when we were first married, she said she tried to wake me once and I opened my eyes, exposed my fangs, and hissed at her. Also, because I was born in 1862.