[running into my ex]

ex: omg it’s you

me: yeah

ex: we should exchange numbers

me: i don’t think that’s a good idea

ex: you backed into my car though

me: look we’ve both moved on

love being a writer. love poring over a single sentence for hours just editing and replacing words until i end up with the exact same sentence i started with

Overheard someone hiss into their phone, “I realize that, but I cannot miss Theodore’s bassoon recital,” and now I have a new catch-all excuse

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Me: so you're saying I'm as healthy as a horse

Doctor: *loading a gun* in a way...

Doing first round of edits on my new novel. It’s a Midwestern horror/comedy called “Ope!”

Anyone know a divorce attorney? I asked my husband to get some sister wives for me because I’m too tired to clean the house today and he said “nah- I don’t have time for that” 😕

Let’s stop doomscrolling and get some writing done.

[yelling over club music] Do you think we’re ever truly forgiven

years of eating food beyond its expiration date has prepared me for an FDA under RFK Jr 😤

COVER REVEAL! My novella The Harbinger will be released this summer. I just couldn’t wait to share this amazing cover that Ruth Anna Evans designed. Pre-orders will be up in a few months! 🐦‍⬛

I had a dream last night I was at a party and Stephen King, Joe Hill, and Owen King were all there and SK graciously gave me an idea for a story scribbled on a napkin. I woke up and remembered the idea - it was “robot president” 🤦‍♀️🥲 🤖🤣

It’s important to be the crazier one in the relationship

John Wick sent me a Goodreads friend request. Why does it feel like accepting OR declining could go poorly? 😱

telling anyone who asks what my religion is that I believe every sandwich needs a bit of crunch

(the library fills with fragrant pipe smoke as I clack away at the typewriter) Grimace was pregnant, and more than likely it was the Hamburglar's child

Asking “which one of these guys is Taylor Swift” whenever a football game is on

“Why do you post so often?”

Me:

Why am I like this?

[inhales helium from balloon] Your mom and I are getting a divorce

When my sister was in 8th grade, a kid tried to insult her by saying "whatever, Walt Whitman" like it was an epic slam, and for over 20yrs it has been an argument ender in my family. Nothing can be said after the Whitman burn. Nothing survives the Walt.

still of scully from x files. caption is “it was born in a primordial soup of radioactive sewage”

look, they found where your takes come from !

Please check your candy. Just got back from trick-or-treating and found a form rejection in a Snickers bar

my parents: when you get home you can have one piece of candy before bed

me: *eats nine pounds of candy while trick or treating and throws up in a pumpkin*