Don't wish your depression will go away. Befriend it, so it'll abandon you like everybody else.

Them: So, how's it going?

Me: If I had money I'd go get a tattoo right now.

I walk into an upscale lobby. I see a violin playing but no one there to play it.

"Is this place haunted?" I ask out loud to nobody.

"Nobody knows I exist." The violinist worm thinks to itself as a tear rolls down its face.

We should've stopped somewhere between discovering fire and filing taxes. We did too much

What hasn't Dairy Queen and Burger King combined yet? I want a kingdom goddammit.

Saw something that made me think of you.

Usually I can take climate change news stoically, but not when it affects penguins.

Reading is awesome. I have learned competitive ballooning is a thing and a Corvette is a type of ship.

I dress up as a French maid for role play. I am holding a broom and notice the room is dirty. I start to actually clean.

Him: What's wrong with me?

Me: Well, I have some theories.

*inside a rabbit hole*

This wasn't as cool as everyone on the internet said it was.

My new dryer's lint trap has thing to empty it so I don't have to scrape it off. I like scraping the lint trap. 🙁

*gets down on one knee*

Will you decide what to have for dinner with me for the rest of our lives?

They should invent a cat who's excited when I get home.

Do not ask me for stories from my past. Every time I try to open that folder in my brain I get an error message.

Date: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: Well, I'm wanted for murder in 3 states.

Him: Ha, I'm wanted for murder in 5 states.

Me*leaning in closer*: Ooh, which ones?

No more friendly reminders. Send me a pack of wolves to remind me about my appointment.

Has anyone tried conga lines as a form of public transportation?

Roses are red
Stellaluna is a bat
I don't love you
As much as I love my cat

Roses are red
You are well hung
And really good
With your tongue

Skip the flowers and buy her what she really wants, a haunted amulet.

Roses are red
Cirrus is a cloud
The neighbors should hear us
Because we're being loud

Roses are red
The cake was yummy
I am sorry
It's now in my tummy

Roses are red
My apologies
I have eaten
All your cheese

Roses are red
The sun is yellow
The last thing I want
Is to say hello

Roses are red
I like that you're mine
I happily give you
This bottle of wine

Roses are red
I see an alien
I'm about to get abducted
Please let me in

Roses are red
Your seed you will spill
Because I forgot
To take my pill

Roses are red
Let's go for a hike
A tragic accident
It will look like

Roses are red
I'm going for a drive
Please text me back
So I know you're alive