Now that I’m in my fifties, some stuff takes me three or four fell swoops.

Me: If Bruce Springsteen wanted to record a unique take on "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" so badly, why did he make the chorus sound exactly like "Da Doo Ron Ron"?

Her: I meant questions about the menu.

Fed up with your girlfriend stealing your clothing? Marry her. I’m in my thirteenth year of knowing exactly where all my hoodies are.

Y’know, that’s like Fortytwopence in Dog None the Richer.

Fun facts about ducks:
- 14% are named Doug
- most can grow antlers, but choose not to
- their mastery of dark magic is unparalleled amongst waterfowl
- few are poisonous, but all have a scathing wit & a love of gin

😱

I can never remember when to use "Thanos" and when to use "Thenos"

your honor honor bo bonner banana fana fo fonner fee fi mo monner your HONOR

I almost got involved in a kerfuffle the other day, but thankfully it only ended up being a brouhaha.

Y’know, that’s like pleading the Thirty-Fifth in dog amendments.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 55 year old men shouldn’t run for trains.

Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

Due to inflation, I now only love you 7/8 of a bushel, or roughly 3.5 pecks.

You know you’re in a classy place when the Coke Zero comes out in carafes.

I've never listened to music, is it any good?

Mormon chair

Backstreet Boys: I want it that way!

Meat Loaf: No, I won’t do that.

You’ve wildly underestimated how much peanut butter I can fit on a rice cake

I went out one night to get a kidney removed, but to my horror I woke up drinking at a bar with a charming stranger.

It’s that time of year! Gonna stand under windowsills and hope a loosened AC unit will clobber me into the pavement

That asshole kid who said “present” instead of “here” in homeroom grew up to be the fifth dentist

when two sock puppets really care for one another, it’s not just sox, they make glove

(Their regimes and the rise of fascism in general, that is.)

At this point the only thing that makes sense to me is his Saudi royal and Russian oligarch benefactors promised to make him whole for his losses if he helped to dismantle the biggest social media source of coordinated opposition to, and checks against, their regimes. He doesn’t care how he looks.

Whoa, slow down, Buckminster Fuller! Let me get a pen and paper.

If by intermittent fasting you mean I haven’t figured out how to eat in my sleep yet then yes, I am

Yo yo @bestskeet.bsky.social

I got 99 problems and they're all Luftballons.