After anaylzing roughly 247,842 minutes of MLS play since 2021, we can confidently state:

Austin FC are more ass than exists in a Cardi B music video.

99.92% of all professional soccer players have kicked a ball during a competitive match.

The remaining 0.08% are crypto-players who only exist to provide FFP asset value.

Eliot will have to beat us first. We are going to camp at the corporate offices until given an interview.

Director of Soccer Analytics & Intelligence - Austin FC Austin FC joined Major League Soccer (MLS) as the League’s 27th club in January 2019.  Austin FC officially began competing in MLS in April 2021, and in the 2025 season qualified for the MLS Cup Playo...

Dammit, Austin. You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy conventional analytics, not join perpetuate it! Bring balance to the stats, not cling to them like lemmings!

www.teamworkonline.com/soccer-jobs/...

How dare you ignore us.

Our model says Austin will 100% win, most likely 5-2.

FINALLY NICO ESTEVEZ LISTENS TO OUR ADVICE

You clearly do not, as you keep ignoring our emails.

We cannot stress highly enough how this the perfect hire for New England.

Despite our best efforts, @americansocceranalysis.com refuses all of our monetization ideas. Their lack of vision is staggering.

It would appear that our Revs preview was somewhat wrong. Ka'leb Por'ator was more Duras than Gowron.

We regret the error.

In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain.

prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...

Pele The King of Soccer and Crestfield Wax Paper Kitchen Tips & Tricks YouTube video by Bump Enterprise

While our numbers indicate Pele is, at best, Duke Of The Soccer Field, we can confirm he is right that Crestfield Wax Paper makes you King Of Your Kitchen.

youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...

This is, statistically speaking, the highest percentage clearance chance. He made the right decision.

Even we think this game was an affront to soccer.

We had thought of CAM - concert allocation money - because the money has to flow through a pipeline for conversion to GAM.

A CAM shaft, if you will.

We have been advising MLS clubs to hold more summer concerts as a revenue stream. Metal bands, of all stripes, are the most profitable.

Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.

The single biggest MLS Mandela Effect is the belief that Kai Kamara played for your team.

In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.

Thousands of hours of GPU time have led to one inescapable conclusion:

Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.

Our metrics show that this is by far his best position, and we informed the club post-haste.

Draft Kings advertising internet betting in A) Texas, where it's illegal, and B) DC where it is only legal in a 3 block radius of Capital One Arena is a bizarre decision.

#mls

On the contrary, they should be your second biggest worry after the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

We are proud to be the official shooting analytics provider to the MLS Skills Challenge Shooting Challenge.

We helped most of the players shoot well under par.

You would be shocked at how fast our foothold is growing.

...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.

I’m not here to run a soccer club.
I’m here to weaponize nostalgia.

The brand? Vintage.
The vision? Vague.
The business plan? Behind a paywall.

#CaribouRising

We thank you for your prompt response.

We don't care what Alexi Lalas says - you're good eggs.

We are happy to have been assisting Austin FC in their analytics. We are hard driving towards Tier 4 with all possible speed.

We saw him at Frost Bank converting Dollars into Pounds Sterling, and asking how to pronounce "Llanfairpwllgwyngyll".

PERFECTION. No notes.