“I like my noodles a little on the crunchy side” - alberto dente prolly idk

boxing is a profoundly stupid sport enjoyed by wildly toxic people but i would like to take a moment to recognize and shout out anthony joshua for doing the important work of knocking out and smashing the jaw of jake paul; truly doing the lord’s work here

update: violent night is excellent and i am ashamed for sleeping on it

i came here to watch football and drink whisky and I’m all out of whisky (and this game is almost over)

When Frustration Threatens Desire, by Kerry James Marshall, 1990, 📸 by @drewhallowell

honestly the eagles deserve to lose to the cowboys for picking up a fantasy-team-sinking rat like goedert

NEW: Mesa County DA Dan Rubinstein (R) and Colorado AG Phil Weiser (D) formally ask Colorado Gov Jared Polis (D) to reject the Trump administration’s request to take custody of Tina Peters.

Trump has called for Peters to be freed but lacks pardon power for state crimes.

to the rat bastard in front of me in line at the coffee shop who bought the last ham and cheese croissant:

[indecipherable rage] AND YOU DIDNT EVEN TOAST IT YOU MONSTER

mookie betts? more like dookie butts

[russian mice, singing]

“it’s football night in america / and the heads are made of cheese”

Bridge is just short for “Rebridgerator” and I will not do the labor of educating you

roses are red
vroom goes the car;

it’s only chill wave if it was produced in 2009-2011, otherwise it’s just sparkling electro pop

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan theonion.com/fritolaysia-cuts-off-chi...

This is Jade. She just met the biggest dogs she's ever seen. But quickly learned they have the biggest hearts too. 13/10 for all (TT: catimtins.pscal)

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the wnba is more exciting to watch than the mnba

Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. “Shortly after you navigat...

Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk

something something “rush hashanah featuring geddy lee” this joke will work itself out

TIL jarvis cocker is not at all related to joe cocker

Pedestrians Passing Each Other On Sidewalk Stop To Let Children Sniff Each Other

Pedestrians Passing Each Other On Sidewalk Stop To Let Children Sniff Each Other theonion.com/pedestr...

The Rockies bring out the best in others and that's a very admirable quality

“I sure am tired of being out under the Tuscan sun”

i forgot that catholic weddings are like watching two people go to mass

omg i put on “scott’s tots” and it’s even worse than i remember it being

i am sorry but chistopher evans aka captain america is the best christopher ty for coming to my theodore speech i will not be taking any qqs at this time

Grandma’s Hospice Has Shitty Wi-Fi
theonion.com/grandma...

Local Dumbfuck On Jumbotron Waits Until Last Damn Second To Wave

Local Dumbfuck On Jumbotron Waits Until Last Damn Second To Wave
theonion.com/local-d...

my two fav ppl on the road so far this weekend are:

lady jamming up the bike lane bc she’s only going 13mph on her e-bike while blasting rusted root in her bluetooth speaker, and:

mercedes driver blasting down the highway with their gas cover wide open

“show some dollars to me” - gerard mcguire

good job nyc