Evening mate, hope you're doing alright!

Here's how Germany can actually boost productivity: pensioners may only own TV sets where you can't turn the sound on or the subtitles off unless they can prove ownership and regular usage of hearing aids.

Afternoon mate! How's your Monday been? Anything nice for dinner? I'm making chicken & mushroom pie.

How are you doing? Saw you were in York, love that city!

That Arsenal equaliser is hilarious

Look, I don't like Kash Patel either, but oscillating between panicking that you've been fired and nobody told you on the one hand and just being stumblebum-drunk on the other strikes me as a pretty rational response to being Trump's FBI chief.

"This is how Andy could still win"

Get the air rifle and shoot it.

When I leave this flat and my landlady asks me why there appear to be Einschusslöcher behind the dishwasher?

CAUSE I WAS NERVOUS SHOOTING AT THE GODZILLA-SPIDER

1.) I'd much rather you win it than the other lot
2.) If you don't, it'll be the funniest thing in a season otherwise utterly bereft of laughter

Brandenburg Berlin: Autokonvoi gegen hohe Spritpreise am Abend in Berlin angekommen Autokonvoi gegen hohe Spritpreise am Abend in Berlin angekommen

It's typical of our government-controlled mainstream media that they cover the protest of drivers driving in protest of the rising price of driving, and totally ignore my eating of wagyu steaks in protest of rising food prices.

www.tagesschau.de/inland/regio...

Shadow, a black cat, is perched on an office chair.

That's a funny-looking mountain goat

"Are you even familiar with my posts on how we could simply double the inflation target?

I thought so, most of the people who interview haven't bothered to appreciate my poasting."

Diagnose: Fresskoma

a shirtless man wearing glasses and a hat is standing in front of a crowd at a music festival . ALT: a shirtless man wearing glasses and a hat is standing in front of a crowd at a music festival .

EY DER ANFANG? DER'S JETZ AM ENDE. ABER DAFÜR'S DER ENDE JETZ AM ANFANG. VERSTEHSSE?

Überschriften für die Ewigkeit

The younger one does just that.

The older one always starts meowing her heart out at like 1am. If you meow back, she'll just come, cuddle up, and everyone goes back to sleep. If you don't, she keeps it up for hours.

When Cameron said he'd step down if his side lost I knew it was gonna happen.

"Keep Dave" or "Tell Dave to fuck off + Mystery Prize" was never going to be a difficult choice for a LOT of people.

In like 20 years 'the Strait of Hormuz' is gonna be one of those proverbial phrases.

"Aw, mate, what have you done? We've got the fucking Strait of Hormuz on our hands now, lad!"

100%. Feels like yelling "DARE YA!" at the person most likely to do something utterly stupid so long as somebody dares them.

Yeah but hear me out: Applassbriefe?

I feel like Dr. Evil would do a better job of running a match...

Doctorevil No GIF ALT: Doctorevil No GIF

"There's still enough time left for Fulham to make this AT LEAST a panic-stricken finale for Liverpool"

Glatzenpolierdrang

(German compound nouns are ok, right?)

Best of luck to whoever has to explain to Trump that "WE HAVE ENOUGH OIL FOR OURSELVES" and "WE HAVE ENOUGH OIL FOR EVERYONE" are both sorta true but not at the same time.

I hear it's gonna be called the MERZ (Muteshally Essured Rielly Zerstörung) Mk1

Even if Jesus isn't the son of God, he deserves the annual parties for having a serious go at regulating forex traders.

Aus dem Regen in die Traufe...

Strictly speaking not my own, but arguably at least 50% my fault and I was 100% the one stood there craning his neck as it flew over me.

Couldn't have even got to it if I was willing to be red-carded.

What about our own best own goals?

As a keeper I once conceded one because the other team hit a long ball, I came running out to get there before their onrushing strikers, and one of my defenders jumped up, just inside the centre circle, and headed it over me in a perfect loop.

Fuck's sake lads, if my colleagues in Nuremberg see this, we'll have the 'Franconian Freedom Fighters' on our hands.