Why do pumpkins sit on people's porches?

They have no hands to knock on the door.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

Which part of the hospital has the least privacy?

The ICU.

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It was raining cats and dogs the other day. I almost stepped in a poodle.

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How do you tell HTML from HTML5?
- Try it out in Internet Explorer
- Did it work?
- No?
- It's HTML5.

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The best Christmas present is a broken drum ; it can't be beat

If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

Hey baby I wish your name was asynchronous...

... so you'd give me a callback.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

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How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who knows? They’re all too busy playing with the switch.

Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive...

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

It's difficult to say what my wife does, she sells sea shells by the sea shore.

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A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...

'Can I join you?'

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.

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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

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A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300

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I was struggling to figure out how lightning works, but then it struck me.

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What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.

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Why was the river rich?

Because it had two banks.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

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A magician was driving down the street and then he turned into a driveway.

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R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.

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I saw a documentary on TV last night about how they put ships together. It was rivetting.

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I made a belt out of watches once... It was a waist of time.

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Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.

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I fear for the calendar, its days are numbered.

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What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.

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What does a pirate pay for his corn? A buccaneer!

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny