Getting freaky friday’d with trump would be the worst cuz you know he’s going to shit your pants minute 1

there's this video where this little kid is running down a hill, hits the side of a car, impact makes a huge sound, kid falls down, and yells, "i'm okay!"

so anyway, I'm okay. are you okay?

"it always gets worse before it gets better" you guys are having it better?

Bluesky taught me the joy of blocking. I block people everywhere now. I just blocked an ex boyfriend on duolingo. I can't stop.

well well well if if if it it it isn't isn't isn't an an an echo echo echo inside inside inside this this this well well well

Living the nightmare

Officially taken “living the dream” out of my vernacular

I do not respond well to people ignoring me or paying attention to me.

It was the worst of times. It was the stupidest of times.

Opossum in a strawberry-themed costume. Instagram: avec.possum

23 days until Halloween 🎃

I think the mistake here is that you keep threatening me with a bad time

I hope they both thought they were meeting a 20 yo

“In 2007 a married couple in Bosnia started cheating online […] with each other

“If u like piña coladas…”

saturday morning cartoons be like, “let’s put a leather daddy in it…for the children”

Feels like I have the flu but like emotionally

PATRIOTS HOLD ONTO THE BALL CHALLENGE

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

My boy said he’s a ball knower but didn’t know about bofa. He failed the ligmas test. 😭

A lobotomy is an operation to remove one of the wolves inside of you

Honest mistake frfr

Listen, if you get cups from a cupboard, I don't think it's my fault for misunderstanding what a headboard is for.

Not to mention the ceiling fan injuries, my god

Women laugh when a guy doesn’t have a bed frame but bed frames are responsible for 30% of all male penis injuries.
Maybe think before you judge, ladies.

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

Whitehouse press release: "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"

give me the death note i can be trusted

watch a little news 🎶
🎵shed some little tears
feel sad tonight 🎶

If you send a dick pic to your smart fridge, it will order eggplants for you

🎶 when I grow up I wanna be heinous ❤️