Gen-X Man Attends Oasis Reunion Concert So, I’m the same age as Noel and Liam. And they’ll make $50 million each by the end of the tour. Goddammit, I don’t have enough saved. Nowhere near...

I wrote this for a laugh and love these guys ❤️⚡️ www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gen...

Copy and Paste Any of These Out-of-Office Replies for Your Personal Use I am out of the office today and Friday to solve every existential quandary I’ve been putting off arguably since 2023 when, as far as I can tell, I...

I wrote these for @mcsweeneys.net in case you need a day off. Let me know how they go over if you use one! www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/cop...

I meant @there

I might stop posting at there now. I didn't know but am not cool with it

Obsolete Chain Restaurant Mascots Gerk Jervis Gerk Jervis was the mascot of Pancake Tramp locations across America. An animated chef with one eye, he shook when he wasn’t drinking ...

I’m sorry but this was a golden age, even if only in my brain:
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/obs...

Holy Christ, It’s Snowing! Holy Christ, it’s snowing! Fuck, exactly what we never anticipated—not in this gray and frozen month. Martians or race riots, sure, but look outsid...

I e been thinking about it and I know it’s happening somewhere: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hol...

Dye and weight

If Jack Kerouac Tried to Write On the Road Now I first met Dean after my wife and I had split up—dude, why is everyone freaking out, it was just a small earthquake. We get it. Move on. Look at e...

Enjoy this laugh from the relative innocence of three weeks ago: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-...

Tragedians in Cars Getting Coffee 1. JERRY SEINFELD: This is a 1995 Land Rover Defender, and everything about it says adventure. Which is perfect, because today I’m getting coffee w...

Someone here should adapt for television this thing I wrote 3 years ago. Thank you in advance. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/tra...

A 1985 Action Movie Hero Brings Way Too Much Heat and Weird Slang to His Scenes 1. LIEUTENANT DAVIDSON: We got another call about that bar down on 3rd Street. HERO: AW, COME ON! What the conk, Lieutenant! Johnson’s out there th...

WWe watched 48 Hours again last night and I remembered why I wrote this: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-1...

What I’d Say to Paul Hollywood If I Were on The Great British Bake Off “Sorry you feel the cake I made is a bit dry, Paul. It was meant to commemorate the life of my best friend from childhood. He died when we were ten...

It's been a minute since I wrote this, but I still think I could emotionally manipulate my way to a baking victory. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wha...

I’ve Made Small Tweaks to Three Scenes in Your Sitcom BEDROOM EXIT/INTO LIVING ROOM HER: Would you mind telling me where you’ve hidden my shoes? HER SISTER: What? Moi? I did nothing. No clue what shoes...

Me? Doctor. Script doctor, but still... www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ive...

My Recent Interview to Simply Rent a Small House in Los Angeles for Six Months THEM: Are you the Dan Kennedy who has written all about how to make millions of dollars? You sell a program of some sort to people and say they can...

In which I am not myself www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-...

If I Had Been in the 1991 Movie Point Break Instead of Keanu Reeves GARY BUSEY: They’ve robbed twenty-six banks in three years. And all we know about them is one thing: They’re surfers. You need to learn to surf, in...

Star www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-...

Pitching PBS My Refreshingly Violent Twist on Antiques Roadshow This is not how I pictured your offices. I always imagine you guys sitting around a big wooden table having tea, and there’s a lake outside. That d...

Showbiz www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/pit...

Let’s Sell Your Basic House for More Than a Million Goddamn Dollars Folks, I’ve got three questions for you… What do you mean “how did I get in here”? I’ll ask the questions, sir. I opened the door. But I didn’t op...

My continued apologies for what I write about at McSweeney’s. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/let...

Ah! I have to get this!!

If you happen to get to the Uncomfortable Area between Where One Is and Where One Hoped to Be, there is an awesome taco place I go to but I can’t recall it’s name right now!

A good time to re-read testimony 💙

Message revived. Heading to the spot and will signal The Remaining. This is what we’ve been training for our whole lives, brother.

Branson, in economy, never first, for the whole run of Virgin

Fckin CLASSIC Jamesy right there

I have only 120 copies of my 2013 novel in hardcover left to leave in hotel nightstands in my travels

Now that we’re all getting our lives together I thought I’d share my system here: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-fuckin-rad-...

Thanks for the clue and code -- I hadn't realized how bummed out I had become about twitter