Hanging around the tattoo removal place picking all the old tattoos out of the bins. Covered in the names of people I don't know but very frugal.

Personal trainer: so what are your goals? What do you want to work towards?

Me: I want to give good hugs.

Personal trainer: cool, cool. Absolutely. We can do that.

'When two become one' by the spice girls is about murder

I didn't know that if the parents were best friends then the baby would be inbred :(

I never did nothing to no one except for all them people. Them I did things to.

I've been working on combatting my perfectionism by riding a bicycle with no tyres

Got a used copy of a Jean Genet book, took it home and realised it absolutely stank of piss so I had to chuck it. In hindsight it sort of feels like the intended way his work should be read though.

You are my rock. I want to throw you in water to see what sound it makes.

If you don't you will regret it forever. If you do you will also regret it forever.

Wow you would think labor day was when everyone did all their work and then just kind of took the rest of the year off. Bizarre.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no legs, I rode him like a skateboard

To catch a thief you have to steal some stuff

In my raps the word ho is short for honey:)

I'm such a hero I would jump on a grenade even if there was noone else around.

I burned one calorie today

turning into a manosphere

That's the best gift anyone can give

Same. I like to think that's why they stopped putting ornaments on luxury cars.

Does it count as a threesome if I'm thinking about someone else during

Feeding salad to the trees

Oh they already made a movie of this concept

Nobody would trust a skinny Santa

Do we think hedgehogs suck their own dicks when they curl up in that little ball

Ice cream truck funerals apparently produce the most horror movie ass sound you can hear in real life

Lights camera cut

Scarf is short for 'scarface'

Telling old people that I'm their son and they have dementia so they put me in their will

The good news is that there's no bad news. The bad news however, is that there's no good news.

Best friend material

Todd is short for Toddler