Dad caught me jerking off on his couch when I was 17. He was pissed. I was scared to death cuz I thought he was gonna make me jerk off a whole pack of guys like when he caught me smoking.

The most important thing a dad can do is cup check their sons at least twice a week.

Was stoked for that rapture to hit because I wanted to see the winners get sucked up into the sky while I smoked weed on my porch.

*emerges from vape cloud to peruse your yard sale knickknacks

Shit is so bad, when the GPS tells me my destination is on the "right", I make 3 left turns.

using my company gas card but also getting 7-11 rewards at the same time and about every month I get a free big gulp out of the deal these suckers aren’t smart enough to ever catch me

these gym bros haven’t invited me to lift with them they must not have seen my PURE GAINS pop socket yet

I hate to be be the negative nancy here but ozzy has been dead for a long time. it's been a full on weekend at bernies sitch in the osbourne house

Did a bunch of coke last week. It’s a young man’s game. Felt like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon.

Ejacuvate seems like it should be a word.

Anytime I see a quote I like attributed to someone I sign it “Me, too”.

"We use cookies to enhance your browsing experience."

Amateurs, I use cookies to enhance every experience.

I say I'm okay with change but the third time my schedule is changed someone's head explodes and I can't be responsible for whose it is

If you die having sex on a craftmatic adjustable bed you die in real life

BOSS: Are you high?

ME: If I was high could I do this?

BOSS: What? You aren't doing anything

ME: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?

the new pope should wear two hats to establish dominance

My work IT department wants to know how I destroyed only the B,O, and S keys on my keyboard after just one month.

They think I've been searching the internet for boobs but I've actually been looking at pictures of my favourite Bobs.

I like to wait for the server in an Italian restaurant to offer extra parmesan and have them sprinkle it on my plate until it overflows and fills the entire room so everyone is just swimming in cheese.

In Chip and Dale, there's a crime kingpin called Fat Cat who has a mole in his gang. My daughter asked what he did, and I said he's a criminal.

She dead ass looked at me, raised one eyebrow, and said, "More like crimimole," and I've never written anything better.

*America in 3 years*

Her: Welcome to Wendy’s what can I get you?

Me: Just a gun. A small one, loaded, please.

Her: Pull around.

When I see astronauts doing goofy shit in space like playing w fidget spinners or dressing up like a gorilla it makes me wanna shut down nasa…fix the ozone layer or set up some space lasers pointed at our enemies….then have fun.

Jerking off then Maroon 5 comes on & you have to stop & wait for the song to finish so all your neighbors don’t think your gay.

Yeah I have a healthy relationship with social media, I broke up with all those toxic gold digging psycho sites and now I'm only seeing Bluesky.

Imagine dying and the only thing that flashes before your eyes is hardcore porn with intermissions of showering in the fetal position.

Some people romanticize coffee but I just want to take it to pound town.

Montage of me committing horrific vengeful acts onto my enemies, ending with me on my knees in an empty church, head bowed… but as the camera pans around it’s revealed I’m merely taking a sandwich break between killings

Only one more bad day!

-Me, taking it one day at a time

Shit has gotten so bad, Jeep owners are too depressed to place rubber ducks on each other's vehicles.

Praying this is the year the pollen actually kills you

Officer, do you know who my father is?!

Seriously can you check your database and let me know?