I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of being alone inside myself. That's where the real loneliness lives.

The humble pencil with an eraser on the end is just a physical manifestation of my entire life strategy: make a mark, then immediately try to undo it.

the lingerie section of that mall department store should be called IntiMacy's

been a while since someone talked about gleeking

Nobody warns you that at some point your knees start making editorial comments about stairs.

[shoe store]
Clerk: Sir, please stop or I'll have to call the Police
Big Foot: [surrounded by stretched shoes] Who'll believe you?

Linkedin is so funny with their little emails. "You may be a fit for this job" lmao ok sure Jan

Thankful that cars were invented as keying a horse is inhumane

Cashier: will there be anything else?
Me: do you have tomorrow’s lottery result?
Cashier:
Me:

My electric frypan died so now I have to use an acoustic one.

There's like five minutes before my hash browns are ready. I'mma need you to take that negativity wayyy over there

On a foggy early morning walk through my quiet suburban town today, I watched as other trudging figures began slowly emerging from the mist, and suddenly I felt like I was a member of the cast of a zombie apocalypse film comprised exclusively of middle-aged white guys.

I really need to stop telling lies to try and impress people. Now my date wants to see photos of me as a newborn with a full set of teeth.

I have a gym membership the way some people have a religion. I believe in it. I just don’t go.

Bagpipes sound like an instrument invented during an argument.

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

I’m thinking of starting a book club where we never read the book and just eat toasted sandwiches together.

Is there anything more fucking worthless than when a company gives you "points" I'm so tired of all these points

if I knew hot people could still feel depressed and unloved I would have chosen to be smart instead

The meaning of life is just 10 stops away bro

No sheet music involved.

[hands barista a USB] My order’s on here. It’s complicated.

A baby waved at me today. I didn't wave back. I wanted to establish dominance early. The baby then shit itself while maintaining eye contact. Respect. We're even.

A good way to tell if you are in love with someone is if they say "I want to tell you about a dream I had" and you are sort of interested

I can either disappoint you traditionally or we can develop a customized plan that fits your needs

i like that dogs and cats can find unity in something as simple as hating squirrels

my spirit animal is the scapegoat

Know what should be deported? My next door neighbor’s wind chimes.

At the punk show clapping politely and hoping no one spills my $10 beer

A tree outside my house keeps trying to wave me over like it has gossip.