Just want my wife to be ok

I'm so scared

I need to do better

Something went terribly wrong when they made me and it's all wrong and I'm in the wrong place I'm not supposed to be this I'm supposed to be the girls from the songs I'm supposed to dance and sing and be pretty and smile something went wrong

IM NOT SUPPOSED BE THIS

IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE

Slamming my head against a brick wall

Gghhhhgh idfk it's late I'm tired and I'm sad. I love my wife so much and life feels so unfair ATM. Can't even spend my money on toys what's the point

Like is ignorance not kinder?

I don't care about maturity and development anymore I just wanna crawl into a hole and come back out as an oblivious kid with no worries other than what's been made for dinner and whether my friends will play videogames with me. I feel so burdened by knowledge and maturity, this is miserable

Everything feels so awful and smothering, I just wish everything could be nice and fun and light

My wife is getting sicker and it terrifies me, I'm so scared of losing him and there's nothing I can do to help him in any meaningful way, it's so upsetting and scary and I feel like I have nowhere to put any of these feelings, I'm just fucking scared I'm really really scared

Like I'm watching one of the most influential countries on the planet succomb to genuine Nazism and it's inescapable, I'm having videos of bitten off fingers and state executions come up on all my social media apps, I'm seeing news story after news story of children dead, kidnapped or missing

There's so much fucking misery in the world right now I feel so drowned in stress and sadness and worry

Like why am I fucking laid here miserable unable to sleep bc some pyjamas fit me in a masculine way, I actually want to fucking die

I wish I wasn't fucking trans

It's just so hard to believe that literally anyone views me as a woman when the people who I believed do slip up and show me that they actually don't

There is nothing more supremely soul crushing than having someone who you thought respected you and your identity completely misgender you in one of the few spaces you expected some fucking dignity

PURITANIST ANTI PORN PUSSIES AND TWITTER IS FULL OF PEDOS!!! IS THERE NOWHERE TO POST NORMAL FUCKING PORN ANYMORE?

I DONT WANT TO DRAW FUCKING ANIME GIRLS!!!! I DONT WANT TO DRAW LOLIS AND UNDERAGE CHARACTERS!!!! I REFUSE TO DO IT!!! I DONT WANT TO DRAW SFW KINK!! I DONT WANT TO DRAW SOFT INOFFENSIVE BORING SFW SHIT I WANT TO DRAW PORN!!!!!! THERE IS TRULY NOWHERE LEFT!!! BSKY IS FULL OF

1.7k. whatever

I feel so so so fucking worthless when my posts hit 60 fucking likes, I have 3k followers on my main and no one is seeing my posts, I truly do not understand what's going on

I genuinely cannot fucking keep up with algorithms and I keep feeling like I'm so exhausted and burnt out, every other artist around me outputs 10x what I put out, I cannot physically keep up, and it's meaning I'm falling behind like crazy it's making me want to quit

Also "sfw kink" gets 100x the traction and interaction of anything that gets labelled nsfw here, makes me wanna blow my fucking brains out

Being an nsfw artist is genuinely so misery inducing sometimes cuz if Ur not jerking off everyone around you, drawing free art for people, or genuinely fucking sexting/sexually roleplaying with people you just get fucking nowhere

Like obviously I'm happy to be an adult, I'm happy to control my own life, I'm happy to be free of anyone's control or decisions. But sometimes I miss when my life was just whatever movie I was putting on, a tub of Lego and my tea was my dad's cooking

I miss being a kid

Suicide ideation doesn't begin to cover it, I don't want to die, but it's hard to believe it's not inevitable. It's hard to believe that some crazed maniac egged on by the wannabe Hitler's in the big fancy chairs won't see me on the street and decide its the right thing to do, that its my day to die

To worry every day that you're a government decision away from being rounded up into camps, from being labelled a violent extremist by a newspaper read by millions

Sometimes I worry these aren't healthy but no one fucking reads them anyway, any time I'm scared or upset everyone just gives me the same fucking responses, about how they're sorry and that it sucks, or that everything will be fine

They have no idea how it feels to face annihilation every day