America is always like “ok but the NEXT regime change will work,” like when I “cut out carbs” briefly every January.

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

Drake rn:

Well this isn’t the coherent politics I’ve come to expect from murderers 🤔

Trump Locks Bathroom Door So Elon Musk Can’t Follow Him In -The Onion

Trump Locks Bathroom Door So Elon Musk Can’t Follow Him In
theonion.com/trump-locks-...

ME: Do you ever get sad trying to remember the smell of the house you grew up in?
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: So that's one Diet Coke, no ice?

Sweating RFK Jr. Performs Self-Surgery To Extract Big Mac From Stomach -The Onion

Sweating RFK Jr. Performs Self-Surgery To Extract Big Mac From Stomach
theonion.com/sweating-rfk...

lmfao

LOL

A man is tied to a chair. Two feds approach him. One says "Feed him the gusher!" The restrained man objects "NO! NO!" They forced feed the candy to him and his head turns into a giant apple. A tear rolls down his eye and he says "I used to be a man."

quit complaining about stores playing christmas music in november and start writing some thanksgiving songs. we wouldn’t be in this situation if thanksgiving had bangers

To all my followers: please report the account @sahouraxo.bsky.social for impersonating me, block them, and spread the word.

Your support is greatly appreciated 🙏🏻 ✨

Hi friends!

I just wanted to give a quick update on The Onion’s purchase of InfoWars, which we can’t wait to relaunch as the dumbest website on the internet.

The long and short of it: We won the auction and — you're not going to believe this — the previous InfoWars folks aren't taking it well.

Some of y’all left Twitter to ignore ongoing genocide and it shows.

it’s pretty funny watching the right, who thrive online off of hate and “triggering the libs”, migrate here because people are abandoning twitter

the online right can’t exist without people to antagonize

Doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him

Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt Gingrich

the best part about bluesky is that, unlike twitter, it isn’t putting annoying bull shit designed to piss me off in front of me every 3 minutes

it doesn't matter how right wing a democratic president gets, conservatives will always say they're a communist and liberals will always say they're the most progressive since fdr

These rape allegations against an LAPD cop are truly disgusting.

I’ve blocked out all names (for now) because if you google the cop’s name, the victim’s name comes up beside it.

He abused someone suffering from mental illness.

Biden, Trump Die 2 Minutes Apart Holding Hands | Onion News Network YouTube video by The Onion

Biden, Trump Die 2 Minutes Apart Holding Hands | Onion News Network

it might be hard and a long journey but a better world is possible

i can’t wait to get polio and other fun old diseases

Ah, Bluesky, where you can post a video of you playing music with your child without 50 people immediately replying ‘Hope you both die soon, you Libtard’.

Bliss. ✨

dying at infowars fans reaction to the onion takeover on twitter. they’re so clueless

🥺

🥺