It’s funny how phones have made clock towers obsolete. Like now I can just google images of clock towers whenever I want

Medieval guy listening to a proclamation: this could have been a tapestry

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

#fact

Got a 10x magnification mirror. This was an error. I do not need this much information about my face.

The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation except for you.

Sooooo true!

So very rusted.

Me: I'm sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I'm nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

Indeed! #bluesky #writers

I think it’s so beautiful we let Nicolas Cage tell us all our stories now.

“Catapult? I think you mean trebuchet,” I say, as I am loaded into the trebuchet.

[application to be a Chili’s restaurant manager]
1. describe your people leadership successes
2. outline your plan for budget adherence
3. are you willing to fistfight the TGI Friday’s manager in the Best Buy parking lot

You can have your cake and everyone else's cake too if you barricade yourself in the kitchen before they arrive

What do I have to do to make it in this industry??!!?!
{I am explicitly told what I have to do}
Okay but like besides that stuff

Tremendous Kevin, the fictional squirrel who I use as a scapegoat for my frequent acts of criminal mischief, has really crossed a line this time

There are few acts more graceless than having to enter your login details using the arrow keys on a remote control. Just shambling about the screen like a pac-man ghost. Pathetic. We gave up quills for this.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know

I used to be afraid of ghosts but then I found out they're not real so now I guess I'm afraid of the living Victorian child that stands at the foot of my bed screaming every night.

The best part of any X-Men film is always this scene

Magneto: [sternly but affectionately] Charles.

Professor X: [affectionately but sternly] Eric.

Mike's Hard Tax Return

[walking in to store]

wife: i don’t understand why just don’t do one big online order

me: (shooting finger guns at the greeter) heyyyyyy

greeter: (pretends to matrix dodge) heyyyyyy

Hollywood thinks we want more superhero movies. But nay, the people yearn for stories about a mysterious circus that comes to town, bringing with it dire consequences for the townspeople and a profound journey of self discovery for the troubled protagonist.

Opening 6000 tabs on my old laptop until it gets so hot I can use it as a panini press

Hi you're through to my voicemail, please do your best seagull impression after the tone and I'll only call you back if it's funny enough

My cat just phoned to say she's stuck in traffic but I'm pretty sure I could hear slot machines in the background

I have my annual review today where I will dust off last year‘s goals because they were good goals. I didn’t get to them, but they were good goals.

My Brain:

Me:

My Brain:

Me:

My Brain: Tiiiiiiiiin roof. Rusted.

me: (talking out loud while i write in my diary) today was ok, i just wish i could have eaten more breadsticks

waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

me: if z is the length of a slice and a is the area of the pie, then pi(zz)=a

PhD advisor: this is what you’ve been working on for three and a half years?