Excuse me while I slip into something more down a ravine.

Where do you see yourself in five business days?

#ImNotAwesomeBut I do awesome things.

Can you send that to me?

- me, getting a mugshot

My favorite childhood memory is remembering why I walked into a room.

You look familiar, did I avoid meeting you from somewhere before?

Don't talk to me while I'm listening.

Things are falling apart as planned.

I saved money by bundling my depression and anxiety.

a cat is being brushed with pink brushes by someone ALT: a cat is being brushed with pink brushes by someone

#FluffyNeedsMore brushing.

I don't have time for your sense.

Getting out of bed and other acts of bravery.

Don't start anything you can't abandon.

I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

#GotSlashedWhen it was the only means of escape.

a young woman in a blue shirt is smiling with her mouth open ALT: a young woman in a blue shirt is smiling with her mouth open

#GotSlashedWhen I broke up with her.

a cat is eating ice from a bowl . ALT: a cat is eating ice from a bowl .

Monster's Ball Licker
#MakeAMovieAboutAPet

Sorry I went missing for years in the middle of our conversation.

Me: *removing my stormtrooper helmet* Divorce?

This sext could’ve been a meeting.

Your bio gave me a headache

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

a woman singing into a microphone with the words smooth operator written below her ALT: a woman singing into a microphone with the words smooth operator written below her

#TheSilverTonguedDevil was smooth.

#ThePartyWasGreatUntil I was asked to leave.

a man in a bathtub with the words welcome to the party pal on the bottom Alt: a man in a window with the words welcome to the party pal on the bottom

#ThePartyWasGreatUntil the window broke.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of #horrorfam on Bluesky. Have a wonderful day however you choose to celebrate. 🎃🎄

Thanks Helen! 😂

Pee-ano Man
#MakeASongAboutTrump

donald trump is speaking into a microphone in front of a wall that says nabtu ALT: donald trump is speaking into a microphone in front of a wall that says nabtu

#MakeASongAboutTrump

Comfortably Dumb

Impeach Me Baby One More Time #MakeASongAboutTrump