Episode with Peter Capaldi, teenage heartthrob. The Doctor and Bill Potts are standing around the TARDIS console, the Doctor fiddling with controls, Bill wearing a truly excellent multicolored top. Captions read, “I told you. You don’t steer the TARDIS, you reason with it.” “How?” “Unsuccessfully, most of the time…”
Jon Pertwee episode. The TARDIS is in a UNIT office. Brick walls, the lower half is an extremely ’70s yellow, a coat rack to the left, and a framed image of a spitfire on the wall. The TARDIS door is open, the Doctor shuffling his way out, squinting, holding something in his right hand you can’t quite make out, lots of smoke coming out through the door. Caption reads, (DOCTOR COUGHING)
Tom Baker episode. (Aren’t they all?) The Doctor is in a somewhat plain yellow room that we can’t see much of, leaning against some kind of metal railing. Very close up on his face, resting against his arm, somewhat uncomfortable looking. Captions read, “I suppose you could call it a galactic weed, except it's deadlier than any weed you know.”
Ncuti Gatwa episode. Belinda Chandra is standing on a spaceship in the future, and you can tell, because the walls are all shiny and there’s a big white panel with lights and Stuff on it. A man is standing behind her in an orange suit, out of focus, kind of ominous tbh. Belinda is speaking to someone off screen who’s secretly hiding horns under her tall hair, but that’s not important right now. Belinda looks concerned, and asks, “Is that like, drugs?”
William Hartnell episode. Ian, Barbara and Susan are all crowded around the Doctor in a locked room in the future, and you can tell, because the walls are all shiny and silvery. They all look varying levels of distraught, the Doctor being the worst, very sweaty as well, hair a little wild, not wearing his coat. He’s sitting against a wall looking weak, head aside. Ian says desperately, “Doctor? Doctor? I must get that drug quickly.”
Jodie Whittaker episode. Shot of a pond on an overcast day, looking a bit gray and greenish. Lily pads covering half of the water surface. A swan sits in the middle, looking down into the water. Caption reads, “Morning, Reggie.” A very good morning indeed.
Sylvester McCoy episode. The Doctor and Ace are in a dirt pit, a dead Cyberman on the ground in front of them. They’re struggling to stand up, bracing each other, the Doctor rubbing his eye, his scarf all up in a twist, his coat covered in dirt. Gonna need that dry cleaned. Caption reads, “My lady, who is that little man?” Who is correct.
Christopher Eccleston episode. Henry Van Statten, the most punchable man in the world, is walking through an underground concrete brick hallway. Some industrial looking metal panels and things are on the wall, in gray and yellow. A crowd of people are walking with him, some wearing plain clothes, some in wannabe military outfits. Van Statten is talking to someone off-screen. Caption reads, “The President is 10 points down. I want him replaced.” If only it were that easy.
Peter Davison episode. The Doctor, Nyssa and Tegan are all at the TARDIS console, the Doctor fiddling about with some controls. The neat looking hat and coat rack is in the background. The Doctor says, “All the wonders of Victorian science and technology.” Tegan says, deadpanned, “Well, the Tardis should feel at home.” Burn.
Christopher Eccleston episode. Closeup on the Doctor; Rose is with him too, but off screen. They’re standing outside, although it’s a really shallow depth of field shot such that you can’t make out much of the background. Caption reads, “The past is another country. 1987 is just the Isle of Wight.” With a goofy smile on his face.
Jon Pertwee episode. The Doctor, the Brigadier, Ralph Cornish, and Liz Shaw, who could make an onion cry, are standing in Space Control, with a capsule behind them labeled Recovery 7, in front of a console. Liz Shaw, who can build a snowman out of rain, is holding a microphone. Everyone is looking around at each other in shock, including Liz Shaw, who can refrigerate her food simply by giving it her cold shoulder. Caption reads, “Will you clear us for re-entry?” in reference to Artemis II making its re-entry burn later tonight.
Sylvester McCoy episode. The Doctor, Mel and Burton, a man wearing an extremely 1950s bright red pinstripe suit, are outside at the bottom of some stairs. Mel and Burton are tied together back to back, but two soldiers are undoing them. Another is standing off to the side. The Doctor says, “Gavrock, it's over! You're finished! And we're leaving.” Cut to four other soldiers, all with weird pink sunglasses, pointing their guns at them. Close up on the Doctor, who says, “Actually, I think I may have gone a little too far.” You think?
Jodie Whittaker episode. The Doctor, Graham, Yaz and Ryan are all standing around in the TARDIS, the Doctor working the controls, the fam standing around like NPCs. Yaz and Ryan are well out of focus; they don’t have much in the way of dialogue, anyway. The Doctor says, “Kolos. Roughly translated, means ‘disintegrator of the soul.’” Graham says, “Ooh, another cheery one.” Indeed.
Patrick Troughton animated missing episode. Closeup on Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, inside a pretty dark room, the only feature of the background a light on the ceiling, as he speaks to the Doctor, Jamie (his lover), Zoe, Isobel and Corporal Benton. The Brig says, “Spaceships? On the other side of the moon?” with an eyebrow raised. Obviously an impossibility.
David Tennant episode. The Doctor is sitting down on a sparsely populated London bus at night, holding a half-eaten half-unwrapped chocolate egg, offering it to someone just off-screen (Christina de Souza). He’s got a big, goofy Tennant grin on his face. Caption reads, “Hello, I’m the Doctor. Happy Easter!”
David Tennant episode. The Master is wearing a black and white suit, standing in a cabinet meeting room in 10 Downing Street, a very posh room with wood paneling on the red walls, fancy marble mantle, the lot. There are other people in the room with him, but all we see is him in the frame, making it look a little silly, as if he’s talking to himself. With a giant goofy smile, captions read, “funny is like this…” then close-up as he makes an exaggerated angry frown, “Not funny is like this…” Thank you for the lesson, carry on.
David Tennant episode. (Aren’t they all?) The Doctor is standing in a bedroom in a posh British school in the early 1910s, beautiful wood paneling and a framed drawing of a castle behind him. He’s holding a newspaper, staring at it, sunlight shining on his face, saying, “Hmm, that’s me. Completely human.” With total 100% conviction. (Definitely.)
Sylvester McCoy episode. The Doctor, Ace and a few others are running around on an alien planet, and you can tell, because it looks exactly like a quarry. Everyone except the Doctor is running around really fast, and a bunch of furry cheetah people are chasing them. The Doctor yells, “No, Ace! Stay still! Will you fucking stay still? You idiots!” (This is a blooper.)
Tom Baker episode. (Aren’t they all?) The Doctor and K9 are in the TARDIS. K9 on the ground (well, I guess he always is), the Doctor sans jacket, hat and scarf, looking down on him, both literally and figuratively. Captions read, “How long, K9?” “Insufficient data.” “Yeah, you never fucking know the answer when it’s important.” (This is a blooper.)
Sylvester McCoy episode. Captain Cook, a man with an excellent moustache and an explorer’s beige hat and jacket, is standing in a dark room, with a somewhat unsettling clown standing right behind him, holding the Doctor’s question mark um-br-ella (ella) (ella) (ella). Caption reads, “These hippy fellows weren’t quite as dumb as they looked.”
Jodie Whittaker episode. John Polidori, a young doctor (not that one) is in a dark 18th century house, rainy blue sky peering through a window, lots of candles out of focus behind him. He’s speaking to others in the room, offscreen; captions say, “I’ve never known air as dank”
Sylvester McCoy episode. The Doctor is standing in a weird purple hallway, speaking to a man peering through a narrow opening in a doorway, wearing a fantastic shiny pink futuristic shirt, and you can tell, because it’s buttoned way over to the right side. The Doctor says, “She makes things disappear.” The smarmy man says, “Magic.” The Doctor says, practically looking right at the camera, “There's nothing magical about the way she does it.”
Jodie Whittaker episode. Ryan Sinclair and Yaz are standing in a forest near sunset, lots of lush greenery and moss in the golden hour light. Yaz is wearing a hi viz police vest. Captions read, “Look at you. You’re a fed?” “Yeah. We don’t call it that.” “Oh.”
Jon Pertwee episode. The Doctor is wearing a white hospital gown and several weird silver orbs on his head, lying down in a bed under a pastel yellow striped blanket, extremely unconscious, evidently. The Brigadier is standing by his side, big boy stick under his left arm, looking at a doctor (the regular kind) on the other side, a man with excellent glasses, looking over some paperwork offscreen. Caption reads, “He’s more unconscious than anyone I’ve ever seen.” I didn’t know there were so many levels of unconscious.
Matt Smith episode. The Doctor, Amy Pond and River Song are standing in an underground dungeon, musty and old, with those old clumpy spiderwebs hanging from the ceiling. There’s also a gigantic cube covered in a weird circular pattern on each face, TV shorthand for “this is an old thing but also somehow very technologically advanced.” The Doctor is holding a torch with his face right up to it, and says, “A good wizard tricked it.” He runs around the box, and River says, “I hate good wizards in fairy tales. They always turn out to be him.”
Sylvester McCoy episode. Pat Rowlinson, a middle-aged man wearing a button-down shirt and an excellent red jumper, is behind the bar of his hotel in Carbury, speaking to the Doctor. Caption reads, “What we have, sir, is possibly the finest beer in the area.” Cheers 🍻
Episode with Peter Capaldi, teenage heartthrob. The Doctor is standing in a university lecture hall at night, lights off. A bunch of cardinals and other Catholics are seated in the audience, one man is standing on the steps, speaking with the Doctor, who it behind a lectern wearing a black suit and sunglasses, despite the darkness already present in the room. The cardinal says, “We have come here today direct from the Vatican.” The Doctor says, “Oh, right. That's nice... Well, if you've got a collecting tin, I'm sure I can find something. Leaky roof, is it?” The cardinal looks a little annoyed.
Colin Baker episode. The TARDIS is sitting on a sandy, rocky beach on an alien planet, and you can tell, because there’s another ringed planet hanging over the horizon in the green sky, and the water is bright pink. The Doctor and Peri are peering out the open door of the TARDIS. The Doctor says, “Fancy a swim?” Peri says, “In that goo? No thanks.” The Doctor says, “Well, it's a pretty colour.”
Episode with Peter Capaldi, teenage heartthrob. The Doctor and Clara Oswald are on a posh turn-of-the-century train car, wearing a fine black tie suit and gold cocktail dress. The Doctor says to her, “It's a smile but you're sad. It's confusing. It's like two emotions at once. It's like you're malfunctioning.” Clara looks down, and says “Sorry.”
Peter Davison episode. Robin Stuart, a frazzled young man in a pink and gray plaid button-down shirt, is standing near the far TARDIS interior door, clinging onto the doorframe as if for emotional support, eyes looking properly shell shocked. He says, “It sounds like a power house in there.”