*Shy voice*: Ranked list of his best kills please

Ok I’m ready for the apocalypse
* can’t touch chalk without shuddering
** needs unnatural amounts of espresso
*** cries if you don’t like me

Speed dating: QUICK QUICK QUICK MICHAEL OR JASON?!

Speed dating: quick! if you were a dog would they give you the big green needle for biting postmen or would you be the kind of dog that pees under the bed in thunderstorms quick quick quick!

@angrynbitter77.bsky.social born evil for no reason. Can relate😂

I don’t know I just feel like I don’t want to eat food made by the hands of someone with such bad grammar, Garry

The banjos on your gene pool are the problem not your Energy Mountain Dew addiction

If your preferred name is the same as your actual name on your electricity providers account then you are statistically likely to be genetically burdened with early onset dementia NGL

My pronouns are too complicated to explain to mere mortals

Gross, 2nd hand endorphins.

Emojis are Satans confetti

It’s too early for coworker emojis

If sarcasm could be muscles I’d be Mrs Universe

Working on my next poem, "Ode to the Impatient Grocery Shopper Encroaching on My Space at Checkout"

*hearing kids screaming in horror in the distance* ahh, they grow up so fast

At least the hell is fresh and new every day

I swore so hard my neck cracked

I bought a copy of Se7en for Se7en dollars.

The comeback I came up with 4 years later was so badass

“Morning all” is way too enthusiastic.

Are you a morning or a morning all person in the work chat? I’m judging your answer

a man wearing glasses is looking at a computer screen with mathematical equations including u1 ALT: a man wearing glasses is looking at a computer screen with mathematical equations including u1

Ok Jesse so imagine there is a hole( pause) and then you have to put a peg in that hole (pause) it’s like that (pause) does that make sense?
Jesse:

All guys called Jesse get angry if you mention Ethernet ports

Sorry Jeanine. It’s not you it’s us

baby white kitty in a kitten playpen it looks so sad and just wants to escape

when you unwittingly get trapped into a conversation with linux guy

Never let your guard down!
Yep anyhoo

Hopefully

Wow that’s so messed up

BREAKING: Dave Chappelle Dies After Massive, Long-Winded Explanation of Transphobic Jokes Falls on Him