cool perm, bro

no one deserves your vocal fry, Oliver.

my dentist: (throwing ninja stars into my gums) ope you’re bleeding

ok we can circle back but just know when that happens i’m going to kill you

I like when people look like how their names sound. Like Merle Haggard, or my friend Jimmy Fuckface

you ever take a bite of pizza and the entire slice collapses in your hand. like whoops I guess that was a load-bearing pepperoni

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

I'm not listening to you. You're not Matt Dillon's cheek bones.

If you are in line for ten minutes and you still don't know what to order you will be the first to be banished to the sea when I am emperor

Prescription strength peanut butter

stop talking about your pelvic floor

Adults mispronouncing spaghetti on purpose 🚩🚩🚩

Stop saying snatched

I feel wicked good about my interactions and influence on this website.

[to naked guy in locker room] oh dear

stop sending me mail

am I supposed to be wearing latex gloves when I prep food now or what

Sleep is for people who aren’t holding the world together with the mental force of their anxiety.

just let gargamel have the smurfs. who cares

[buying a pumpkin] One scary watermelon, please

He’s a police detective now and probably makes up a lot of stuff at work too.

a guy I went to college with insisted it was he and his friends who made up the phrase “shits and giggles”. I think about that a lot.

Oh no, feel better 💜

fair point, I feel stronger now

I feel like this is your mustache’s fault

it’s brutal but happy you’re here

I have heard two Martika songs today. Is this the end? It sort of feels like the end.

When you die they tell you who let the dogs out