Finger booping Christopher Walken on the nose

These boops were made for Walken

ME: if the ribcage is the part made of bones then everything inside the cage is rib

EMT: ok you're having a rib attack

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

JUDGE: I sentence you to 37 years in prison
ME: nah
JUDGE: what
ME: I’m not vibing that
JUDGE: I see
ME: yeah
JUDGE: I guess you’re free to go then
ME: peace out my robed brother
JUDGE: that is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen it was an honor to let him go

[first day as an uber eats driver]

CUSTOMER: you were supposed to deliver my sandwich

ME: *wiping mouth* it’s called uber eats not uber deliver my sandwich

911: what is your emergency

ME: i broke my hand

911: please hold

ME: did you not hear what i just said

Fire is great for cooking low priced eggs, though, so there’s that.

the Meta logo except it says "Maga" and the infinity brandmark is red

oh shit new logo just dropped

now, I am become sleepy, the honker of shoos

[running into my ex]

ex: omg it’s you

me: yeah

ex: we should exchange numbers

me: i don’t think that’s a good idea

ex: you backed into my car though

me: look we’ve both moved on

priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

me: why? it doesn’t even have any of those letters in it

priest: what

my bride: *giggling* well it’s true

Mushroom spore landing in my lungs: I eat?

My immune system: no not right now he’s still alive

Mushroom spore: ok i wait

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known

Me: Yes, I wrote that

“License and registration please”
I’m Santa Claus
“yeah? what’s your wife’s first name”
I uh…
“Sir step out of the sleigh"

[playing poker]

FRIEND: I’m all in

ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too

FRIEND: um, a pair of kings

ME: you bet we are

sure, everybody hates snake oil — until their snake starts squeaking

starbucks barista: order for cathy lou

cthulhu: (visibly incensed) i guess that's me

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes

Being here makes me feel like finding a long lost friend

Det var en ful ankunge.

Horrible curse. Happens to me every single day.

Klas Christmas Tale - Anime version trailer YouTube video by Klas Holmlund

www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_nt... Glad första advent! Klas Julsaga i animeversion. Ska jag göra den?

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

"nobody gives a shit" i agree a shit is a terrible gift

Me: never assume
Wife: because it makes an ass of u and me?
Me: what did i just say diane

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.