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Vote HOAD on 7 May

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#Eurovision 25

Congratulations to Austria. Commiserations to Estonia who were my favourite but came a fantastic third place.

Dear @teamlabouruk.bsky.social,
Just shut up. Keep out of Gay Christmas, you’re not welcome.

#Eurovision 25
#nemo

What the hell does Nemo look like? The view here is “Mrs Overall does burlesque”.

#Eurovision 25
#albania

Albanian Kate Bush combined with one of the fellas from Yello produce something rather disappointing. Well performed for what it is. They’ve overcompensating with the flames.

#Eurovision 25
#sanmarino

The singers are so embarrassed they’ve got masks on. San Marino obviously want votes from Italy. He’s a DJ. If he put this on I’d go for a wee, a fag break, or a drink.

#Eurovision 25
#france

Oh, put a cork in it, dear. (It’s cork bits, not sand.). Now she’s ahootinf it out of her arse. They’ve dragged on the foggy wind machine again. Dull song.

#Eurovision 25
#sweden

This is trying hard to be camp and kitsch but doesn’t really work because it is too blokey. They even manage to make a sauna with a topless man completely unsexy. This is an ikea flat pack of a Eurovision song.

#Eurovision 25
#denmark

She’s a big girl with a big sound. Very club dancey trancey sound. She can belt it out. Some might say she should have kept it in.

#Eurovision 25
#portugal

And old fashioned song performed straight. It’s ok but a bit dull and sounds like bad ELO.

#Eurovision 25
#malta

Eurovision staging. Proper performance. The flamingo chicken boy dancers help. She’s having ethnic sexy time. This is a very drag queen song. The slow separation of lady legs was a bit off putting but the bouncing balls were good and she had a blast. Very good.

#Eurovision 25
#Switzerland

A gentle song performed well. Drippy, though. The foggy wind machine doesn’t do anything for her.

#Eurovision 25
#armenia

His look fits with the song. Nice to see he’s making the best of his time by having a gym session while he’s performing. First properly topless man of the evening so he gets lots of points for that. A good song of its type.

#Eurovision 25
#greece

Nana Mouskouri’s lookalike has got her burning bush out. Too much wailing. Are we sure this isn’t Michelle Visage?

#Eurovision 25
#germany

We need to see more of her sexy boy backing dancers and less of her. Gimmicky song with a one word hook for the club crowds. Not impressed.

#Eurovision 25
#poland

This starts out big and then goes bigger. Slashed leather outfits distract from the dreadful choreography. At least there’s a flash of male nipple. Wild boys go to the sexy euro disco. They pulled her off the stage but unfortunately brought her back. Dragon!

#Eurovision 25
#italy

Glam rock ballad. Another one I quite like. Would be improved if they had a little kiss while singing cheek to cheek. His crop top spangly shoulder padded outfit is distinctive.

#Eurovision 25
#finland

She’s got massive tits and she’s going to use them! Lots of PVC and shouting. Bad staging looking at her doodah. Her pyrotechnic penis wins her camp votes.

#Eurovision 25
#netherlands

He can carry off silk pyjamas. I quite like this. The dancers are distracting. If I was him I’d tell them to bugger off. He blew it with the fake crying at the end.

#Eurovision 25
#latvia

They’re all stroking each other’s big curtains and harmonising. The Nolans crossed with Enya with a doof doof beat. Space vixens on acid. Meh.

#Eurovision 25
#iceland

Icelandic Jedward can sod off.

#Eurovision 25
#austria

High. Whiney. Falsetto. Boat theme. Storm. This one will sink without a trace. Why are they wearing a badly fitting dressing gown? And when you think it can’t get worse it goes techno. Bloody awful.

#Eurovision 25
#unitedkingdom

It’s OK from the UK. Smiley and having fun. Unusual stop start type song which stops you ever quite getting into it properly. More of a stage musical filler song than Eurovision. I’ve made my mind up. Not something for my life. Rubbish outfits.

#Eurovision 25
#ukraine

Soft focus child in badly fitting cerise velour is an odd look. Horrible screaming woman doesn’t help. Song is forgettable made worse by a guitar solo. The big pauses give you hope it’s finished when it hasn’t.

#Eurovision 25
#spain

She’s trying really hard with this but it is very predictable. The big question is will she get her maracas out. She’s aiming for the 90s drugged up club crowd about 30 years too late. She looks like a chicken thigh in not enough tinfoil.

#Eurovision 25
#Lithuania

Not a great song. The boyband made by the smug prefects at school. They’re miserable. Let’s hope their Mothers like this. The only stagecraft is a standing in front of a hairdryer. Terrible.

#Eurovision 25
#Israel

A false start before she turns into a screamy, shouty, woman. I wonder if she’ll get her dress caught in her beaded curtain again. That’s not a euphemism. She’s got a big gob.

#Eurovision 25
#Estonia

It’s time for a coffee. He’s very entertaining. Great song. Fantastic dancing. I love this. Very, very Eurovision and huge fun.