me: I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: no you have to put them on both

Me: I just finished my time machine

Friend: are you gonna go back and kill baby hitler?

Me: no I'm gonna do something even more important

[25 years ago at a cafe]

Me (in waiter outfit): the world is gonna roll you

Smashmouth guy eating crepe: [drops his fork]

not everything that glitters is ponyboy.

Satan-worshipping families are the best and that's a hell I will die on.

referring to my pussy as my downstairs mouth from now on

What the hell even is a real estate novelist?

Me: goodnight moon

Moon: goodnight doomed

Looking at my typos being like “this time it’s personnel”

does anyone know that guy from that thing I saw once 20 years ago when I was really high because I don't

you can call anything research if you looked for it twice

If we’re in my car and you try to put on a country music station, you’re walking home from wherever we are at that moment.

Don’t test me, grandma.

Them: *nothing*
Me: OK so my socks are mismatched cause when I lose a cute one I feel sad to throw it away so that’s why one’s a Rottweiler & the other says OZZY

With the right shorts anyone can be a creature of the night.

Handing out full sized hungry man turkey dinners for Halloween this year

3 black leather, studded plant hangers. A plant sits in the center one.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

HR calling me out on bumping into people at the candy bowl and saying, you touched it. now you gotta eat it.

Waking up when it's so cold out like this isn't fair. I've been bound to my bed by warmth and heavy blankets, coiled into a cocoon of comfort. How the hell do you expect me to simply "get up?" Oh. I have to to survive and live? You drive a hard bargain, I suppose...

This administration is like Rocky 5, once everything is done, we'll pretend like it never happened

A sitting bear holds each hand of what appears to be a bride and groom.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

clever headline.

A lot of TV shows now have a warning about "adult situations" . . .
but then you watch and no one is going to work, paying bills or cleaning up dog poop.

Me: I’m sapiosexual.

You: Ah, attracted to smart people.

Me: (putting a tap in a maple tree in full bondage gear) What?

The administrative assistant here just called me a floozy, and I think it's time to embrace that word.

Just ate a piece of fruit as though staying alive is worth while.

influencers doing “get ready with me” videos as they apply camo makeup and craft homemade body armor

Introducing Ketamucil™ - Metamucil with Ketamine

*powdered sugar poofing from my mouth* i don’t know who ate your donuts

Today's word is "performative" and tomorrow's will be "tool."

Judge: you’re here because you booped the cop on the nose

Me: your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge covering his nose: absolutely not

He died doing what he loved: rollerblading into oncoming traffic.