A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

You know when Donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking?

That's what it's like having kids.

I'm watching CNBC. These anchors are so angry. They really didn't believe he'd do it. They're actually just now, 10 years into this shit, realizing he's a maniac hellbent on revenge and there's no grand plan for the markets. Better late than never but holy shit.

Me: "I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."

My co-worker: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."

Marriage is like a walk in the park…

Jurassic Park.

Why did my wife put glue on my wallet?

She wanted to make sure I stuck to the budget!

My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”…

I said, “Maybeeeee…”

What’s a soccer player’s favorite type of music?

Dribble and bass!

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

How do you steal a coat? You jacket.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

I don't support the antivax stuff, we need these children strong and healthy so they can work in the factories

I cut my finger cutting cheese. I know it may be a cheesy story but I feel grate now.

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

A dad washes his car with his son. But after a while, the son says, "why can't you just use a sponge?"

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

Keep the boat jokes coming your doing a HULL of a job 😜

I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...the sails are going through the roof

#jokes #dadjoke #funny

Ugh. I tried.

Movement is overrated just ask a Sloth 🦥

imagine having the kind of energy it takes to do things

Trouble is I get too attached to it

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.

I ordered the book “How to Scam People” over six months ago and it still hasn’t arrived…

And when you wake up you don't know what time, day, date or year it is 😂

Welcome to your 40s

You now require a 2 minute readjustment period after rubbing your eyes.

I bet President Trump shouted "fake news" when his mum did the same thing years ago 😂

They're saying "Here comes the airplane" when you can see plain as day that it's a spoon. They're playing you for a fool. They're laughing at you

I'd enjoy the sleep but not having to eat mud and grass to plug up my butt 😂