Trump has created a situation where a spokesman for the Iranian regime says "President Trump keeps contradicting himself, it's very confusing" and the rest of the world is like "Omg, right??"

Whenever a mega cruise ship docks in Funchal, I like to look it up and sneer at the hellscape it offers. Today it's Mein Schiff Relax, with 19 decks and nearly 4,000 passengers. One of its bars is called the "Street Art Bar" and its "feel-good ambassador" is Robbie Williams.

The scar tissue will make the inside of your cheek flabbier, resulting in more instances of you biting your cheek, resulting in more scar tissue, etc. So the cycle bit is correct

Alt text: the Merlin app showing one bird - the common chaffinch

Earlier, I drove into and above the clouds to a remote, mountainous region of Madeira to commune with nature. The air was full of birdsong. "I wonder what exotic, possibly endemic species is producing this delightful trickle of notes" I thought to myself.

It looks like a pistachio and chocolate ganache layer cake 😍

Uh-huh. Here's your, er, helicopter now. Have fun!

[Impressed] Pack your bags, Bell Girl. You're going to TOP GUN

It's hard to see for the crushed avo, but there are two slices of toast. Perhaps you'd like to reconsider your statement?

Toasted sourdough with crushed avocado, fried eggs, fries, and a craft soda called "why not"

Then I rewarded my efforts with this, because why not? I said WHY NOT

I strapped on my ankle orthosis and clambered 200 yards up a 20km long hiking trail in the mountains, had a rest, then went back down.

You should've seen the looks on the faces of the hikers passing me on the way down. Has he... Did he... How??

Ah good, you've reached "the Ruler of the Universe in the Hitchhiker's Guide" stage of having a cat

I've been driving an Opel (Vauxhall) Corsa this week, and it's fine in most respects, but for me it fails in two key areas: 1. I have to fold and squeeze myself into and out of it in an ungainly manner, and 2. I get no joy from the driving experience. It's just A Car. Apologies if you drive a Corsa.

Just had my dinner served to me under a cloche, which was a bit embarrassing, as I'd only ordered a burger.

A kestrel spends its days riding the warm air currents from the hotel's sun deck, and hunting pigeons. #FullTimeBirder

A road in central Funchal lined with yellow taxis on the left, and jacaranda trees on the right

Jacarandas in bloom in central Funchal

[Pulls pants back up, quick brush-down, then backs away bowing profusely]

Gina will have her pants pulled down on the internet with the best of 'em

Wetherspoons knocking it out of the park again

Holy shit man, that photo is incredible

Told my dad that one of his balls was peeking out from the leg of his shorts, and he told me he's been having trouble with his new pants (jersey trunks). He tried to fix the issue but couldn't, so we settled for him sitting with his crotch angled away from me. #VisitMadeira

A man in a black suit has just come into our restaurant in Funchal on his own, sat at what is obviously his usual table facing the TV screen, been greeted warmly by all the staff, and served wine and food within seconds.

I desperately want to know who he is, and how many crimes he's committed.

My dad's taken me back to the hotel in Funchal favoured by mature Brits, that has a bar named after Margaret Thatcher.

Lots of elderly folk moving about slowly with benign smiles on their faces and non-benign moles on their backs.

It's great. Not an influencer in sight - other than me, obviously.

AMATEURS

Had to get a new photo for work, and I told the photographer which side of my face he should favour if he wants both my eyes looking in the same direction, and he took photos from both sides, then looked through them and went "Yeah you're right"

Food coma

Jamaica and Roma

Buen Camino!

Ugh, right?? I don't care what your far side looks like anyway, you tidally-locked twat

Yeah man, stay frosty. That celestial bastard is always up to something

It's a fair cop