Let he who has not teleported to a Waffle House cast the first stone through the teleportation device and into the parking lot of a different Waffle House hundreds of miles away.

Every Friday should be good

I need an Easter miracle (to die for 3 days)

Rising fuel prices have forced us to shut down our gasoline-powered slot machines

So you know, I'm glad you're here. You make this world a better place. Don't forget that.

Every one of my posts.

My Twitter feed right now is 95% CatFu and Afroman videos, with the rest dedicated to Markwayne Mullin being roasted like a kalua pig by Rand Paul, so wins on the internet today. Big thanks to everyone involved.

Twitter post by Benjamin De Kraker: "An advanced, Al-powered technology is developed The Pentagon wants it and demands an eccentric CEO turn it over to the government He declines, setting up a clash between the U.S. and the company's suddenly in-demand tech Anyway this is the plot of Iron Man 2" This is referencing the DOD's demand that Anthropic assist the military in developing AI-driven autonomous kill-bots and perform mass surveillance of Americans

False alarm: America’s healthcare ships are all broken down.

My 10-year-old needs one of these …

it’s not entirely clear what a hoobastank is even to this day

if a shark bites you, you should turn into a shark why do only vampires wield such power

Trump’s sending a U.S. Navy hospital boat to Greenland to win them over with U.S. government-funded free healthcare, like we’re Denmark or something.

2Calvin 2Hobbes

...and this is where the magic happens
[gestures to room with pentagram]

soft post:

valentines day aside, i’m truly grateful for every single one of you and i hope you feel loved and cherished not just today but everyday bc you’re amazing human beings 🖤🖤🖤 i’m grateful for all of our interactions and thank you for letting me be part of this silly lil community🖤🖤🖤

it's been a while so here's a pack of some of my favorite people

go.bsky.app/3cVJfpD

Seeing myself on a list like this must be what it feels like to be in the MTV People’s Choice Awards. A great honor, no 🧢

The Beatles: Shine on you crazy diamond.

Diamond: You did NOT just call me crazy. YOU DID NOT JUST CALL ME CRAZY!!! [Smashes tiny fist into jewelry store window.]

I'd be pretty mad if I was a hero in a half shell and then I went and got stabbed in the junk.

Overshadowed as he is by his iconic drummer, I don’t think Dr. Teeth gets enough credit as one of rock’s best band leaders.

I think we should each be allowed to choose one detachable body part.

Saddest words in the English language: “Time to put on my pants.”

I miss getting stoned and going nonverbal, now I can’t stfu

Kimmie! Keep talking. We wanna hear it all.

My right-wing auntie was bitten by a raccoon. Now she’s a rabid anti-vaxxer.

Too real.

Beginning to understand why the kids were eating tide pods there for a bit.