Carmen Osbahr holding Rosita's hand as Rosita embraces her from behind. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

(On puppeteering for Sesame Street:)

"We have a few rules here: always deodorant, never onions."

Happy Birthday, Carmen Osbahr!

KERMIT: Yeah, when the guys find out the that the show isn't going forward, they're gonna be upset... except the band. They're always happy. Legally now.

KERMIT: Okay, nice flocking, guys. Uh, say, aren't there more of you?
LAMB: Oh, we don't know.
KERMIT: Why not?
LAMB: Well, every time we try to count ourselves, we fall asleep.

FOZZIE BEAR: Kermit — that was — oh, that was so sad. Can we — declare an intermission?
KERMIT: Uh, I tried that once. The audience left and they never came back.

The Merrill Lunch Hungerdunger McCormack All Accountant Marching Society parading along with the lyrics to their chant: "Three million fourteen one eight ninety-seven, times the current prime rate standing at eleven. Surtax, sales tax, excise too, net worth, Dow Jones, scooby dooby doo!"

It's time for our annual Tax Day tradition! Presenting the Merrill Lunch Hungerdunger McCormack All Accountant Marching Society!

KERMIT: Uh, let me get this straight, she is Liza O'Shaughnessy's understudy?
SCOOTER: Oh, uh, they're not exactly the same type.
KERMIT: They're not exactly the same species!

Jon Stone smiles to the camera on the set of "Sesame Street," as Cookie Monster looks at him. To Cookie's left is an orange box with a red handle and a purple question mark on one side. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

"When Joan [Ganz Cooney] said she was planning an 'educational' program, I almost hung up. My image was another 'Sunrise Semester' with a professor from the Bank Street School of Education staring into the camera and droning for a hour."

Happy Birthday, Jon Stone!

MISS PIGGY: But why?? Kermie! Why must you go on?
FOZZIE BEAR: Because he's a star. And a star knows that the show must go on!
MISS PIGGY: I knew that! I just forgot for a minute there.

MISS PIGGY: Dear, I am not worried. I just hope they're doing something suitable for my talents.
KERMIT: Piggy, you're gonna love it. It's called "Pigoletto."

STATLER: Was that supposed to be poetry?
WALDORF: Yes! The bear has gone from bad to verse!

FOZZIE BEAR: Hey guys? Ahem. What do you call a light brown billiard stick? Huh?
DANCER: A… tan cue?
FOZZIE BEAR: You're welcome!

DR. BOB: "Robin." That's a dumb name for a frog.
ROBIN THE FROG: Yeah? Wait 'til I tell my Uncle Kermit.
DR. BOB: Oh, yeah, Kermit. I forgot about him. Dumb names must run in the family.

Valerie Harper looks at Bernie, a blue Muppet with long rabbit ears, while Hilda mugs for the camera. (Courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

BERNIE: Oh, hiya, Miss Harper.
VALERIE HARPER: Hiya, Bernie.
BERNIE: I'll get you a comb in just a minute. In the meantime, have an egg.
HARPER: Hilda, don't tell me he's…
HILDA: That's right. He's the Easter Bernie!

Happy Easter, Muppet fans!

FOZZIE BEAR: Okay, what does it look like I'm doing?
FLOYD: Heh, it looks like you're feeding spaghetti to an elephant.
FOZZIE BEAR: Right! Right! That's exactly right. How many mimes have you seen doing that? Huh?
FLOYD: Only one. And he got killed doing it.

LINK HOGTHROB: Link's mommy wanted, on the bridge!

REPORTER: Can you tell me, why do we eat matzah on Passover?
OSCAR THE GROUCH: Well, if you must know, nosy, it's because it's flat, like the way I sing!

Happy Passover, Muppet fans!

KERMIT: April Fools! Ha-ha!

We hope you enjoyed our Salute to Stage Directions. We'll be back with real quotes soon! (Exits.)

(The Sesame Street Muppets barge into the farmhouse. Some of the new arrivals slip on the icy patch.)

#SalutetoStageDirections

(The balloon begins to deflate rapidly and plummets earthward.)

#SalutetoStageDirections

(Clifford turns around and notices Bill standing by the camera, blowing bubbles out of his head.)

#SalutetoStageDirections

(Sneezes, turns into a chicken.)

#SalutetoStageDirections

(He throws up the muffin and shoots it. The muffin lands with a hole in it. He does the same with two more.)

#SalutetoStageDirections

(The curtains open just as Gonzo flies through them, crashing into Statler and Waldorf's box. The two duck.)

#SalutetoStageDirections

(The roof of the building rips open and Animal's head emerges, fifteen feet across.)

#SalutetoStageDirections

Since today's just an average day, we're switching things up slightly by honoring the unsung hero of the scripts. That's right, it's time for A Salute to Stage Directions!

CLIFFORD: Billy, Billy, Billy, yo, yo, yo. Welcome to Muppets Tonight.
BILLY CRYSTAL: Muppets Tonight? Buddy told me I'm doing American Gladiators. Where's Nitro?
CLIFFORD: No, man, it's the Muppets.
CRYSTAL: Oh, great. I'm allergic to felt.

DIGIT: Wow, an entire channel devoted to garbage.
KERMIT: I've never heard of that.
BEAN BUNNY: Welcome to America.

NURSE JANICE: Oh, wow. Dr. Bob, are you ready for the first patient?
DR. BOB: No, I'm ready for the second patient.
NURSE JANICE: Well, what's the matter with the first patient?
DR. BOB: I don't know. That's why I want the second patient.

KERMIT: Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's big finale, The Muppet Show proudly presents Clive Cahuenga, singing to the music of Mozart, the Municipal Vermin Abatement Code.

WALDORF: Is that your kid?
STATLER: Of course not. I'm just babysitting. This is my grandson.
WALDORF: Well, there is a resemblance.
BABY: Yeah, but I won't be bald and toothless forever.