At my age, getting off to a good start could be just getting out of bed without groaning.

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand. . . call your therapist.

I might not make it to work tomorrow because I just started chewing celery.

I want someone to love me for the horrible space-time anomaly I am.

hey babe, what do you say we turn this steakhouse into a steak home?

please, sir. my boys, they're back in town

Know what should be deported? My next door neighbor’s wind chimes.

It's spring which means it's time to clear out your old ear hairs to allow for new growth.

introduced my wife to another couple as the manager and myself as the assistant manager and I swear I heard my wife mutter to herself "TO the manager"

just dropped in to see what regino my regino is in

[gently waking my mom] I think I left my duelling glove at speed dating last night

i didn’t know what to do the few hours Bluesky was down so i settled down and got my life in order

the forbidden fruit that is bluesky posting

telling me it’s forbidden only make me want it more

Media: Global birthrates are falling below replacement levels

Me: Bold of them to assume everyone needs replacing

I get it Bluesky, I too am barely able to function today.

Squirrels have it made. They forage for food all day while doing parkour and when the weather sucks, they just stay in bed for days.

How I arrived on Bluesky:

she was rare, like a middle-aged man who isn't constantly bombarded by online ads for erectile dysfunction and hair regrowth products

attempting the dirty dancing lift with my cat but his upper body strength is just pathetic

try taking off your glasses before looking in the mirror

*me as a cosmetologist

[boss pulling me aside after meeting]: i need you to quit calling me "m'lord"

A simple two-axis graph shows a negative relationship between how often an item is worn and how much ironing it needs. The horizontal axis is labeled “How much ironing it needs,” ranging from “None” on the left to “A Lot” on the right. The vertical axis is labeled “How much I wear something,” ranging from “Never” at the bottom to “Once a week” at the top. A diagonal line slopes downward from the top-left (frequently worn items needing no ironing) to the bottom-right (never worn items needing a lot of ironing).

dad wardrobes explained in a single graph

Picture of seven-piece pickleball set

transformation into my final b00m3r form is almost complete

Sorry for my unpredictability, I was raised by a pack of mixtapes

Lynyrd Skynyrd was all like “lord knows i can’t change” and then immediately changed tempos

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

one thing I will not do is complain
*immediately chokes to death on the complaints lodged in my throat*

she was the chimi to my chimichanga

“A Momentary Lapse of Reason” is my favorite album about the time I told my wife I could relate to childbirth because I once ran a half marathon