It hurts
The thorns prick my fingers
As I greedily take the prettiest flower

I was always told to write a book about my life. Even now, during a low time in my life.
I feel it’s insensitive; who would want to read a book about how everything someone’s ever wanted, has always been ripped away from them? I have not overcome any obstacle. I get lost in them.

I cry at night, reminiscing over what I had. I was rich in friends, laughter, happiness. Now I count pennies, look for them in dark places, and save them.

If you told me last year that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be, I wouldn’t believe you.
I worked my ass off to get where I wanted to be.

7 months post op and I have to have another surgery. I can’t walk. I’m not in Korea. I’m not in college.

My hard work was fruitless.

Wasting my last year as a teen in a hospital.

I want to sieze to exist.

This is what we all should remember.

My throat is tight with much to say, yet nothing comes out. The feeling of resentment, only towards myself, consumes me.

Lyrics from Only Living Girl in LA by Halsey

Halsey gets it.

I have such a deep rooted passion for music. Just wish I had the confidence to go with it.

The feeble touch of your fingers imprint on my skin. It reminds me that love still exists. Quietly, in what lingers.

The feeling of being afraid to love oneself and someone else, afraid it isn’t real, or afraid it’ll suddenly disappear.

Born to be a lover girl, forced to stay inside.

Thank you 🤍

Starting 2025 with a fracture and the feeling of failure.

#poem #poet #poetry #writer #write #writes #2025year #year25 #inspirational #love #growth #conflict #book #Elveda #hope #voice #speakup #aspiringwriter

Why do I allow myself to be consumed by life that is only malignant?
Why don’t I let in the beautiful part of it, instead?
When, what, when, why?

~ Elveda
(1/4/25)

Do the conflicting feelings of when life begins, ever go away?
When will it be my turn to receive love just as much as I give it away?
Why do I give so much love away?

When will I accept the battles I’ve won, and be proud of them?
What about the battles I’ve lost, and the lessons they taught?
When will I embrace love and cherish it? Does it come naturally?

When will it be my turn? My turn to feel beautiful in the mirror I stand in front of.
My turn to love the imperfections that grace my body.

#poem #poetry #poet #writing #write #writer #aspiringwriter #elveda #mentalhealth #life #experience #mourn #loveyourself #beyourself

I mourn myself, for I haven’t been me.
I’ve been someone else.

~ Elveda
(12/6/24)

Instead, I watch my life be lived through others. My own goals and dreams being in the palms of others… while they’re still out of reach for me.
No matter how tall the handle, it will always be out of reach. My fingers will always slightly graze the edge.

For I believe, that I am not me.
I live the life of someone else, stuck in a body I didn’t ask for, and a fruitless life that doesn’t accept my hardships as goals.

I mourn the person I didn’t know, never met, nor understood.
I mourn the person I should be.
I live in this feeling of uncertainty, always questioning every idea, thought, action, and word, that’s escaped me.

I miss who I was, or maybe who I was supposed to be.
Each passing second doesn’t feel authentic, like I’m not in the right spot, or I’m not the right person.

#poem #poet #poetry #writing #write #writer #Elveda #surgery #trauma #aspiringwriter #inspiration #hope #love #beyourself

I've counted down the days, not out of excitement, but out of fear.
The fear of losing myself, for the idea of less pain.

~ Elveda
(9/25/24)

I won’t be able to play at Tucker’s height.
I won’t be able to sit in hot baths or hot tubs - the worst part.
I won’t be able to spend holidays on two feet.

All of the idea of less pain.
Indeterminate, less pain.
I won’t see my crazy Hoshi family every day.
I won’t be able to roll on the floor with Yoon and Angel, and attempt my hand at playing with Hobi.

Never mind the few crazy and fun days with my family.
Never mind the days outside playing with the dogs or inside with the cats.
I'm losing a piece of myself.