A modern Pontius Pilate. So in tune with the murderous desires of his city's heathen masses

[bowie Heroes voice] We can be baby just for one day

The influence Trump has on the funny voice I use with my cats should be considered if and when we discuss reparations post his presidency. It could even very well be that I have to pay some money to HIM because my cats benefit from me using his cadence on them. I don't know!

Me rubbing my itchy eyes: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!

Me now with eyes that are watery and hard to keep open: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

Monty

Now that ya boi has little scratch, I'm thinking about getting myself a Ps5 for my birthday, but jesus christ how am I supposed convince my gf to let me keep this fucking ai data center Monolith cuboid in the room she primarily uses to cross stich?

Bored at my parents house watching the ucaa championship alone and trying to decide who to root for but then...check this shit out:

Tim UCONNholz

Flo needs to make examples of these pretenders

[shoves Jesus back into the tomb, pushing the stone back in front as the crowd boos] Wait I just want to see something

Data on Star Trek is great because someone will be rude to him and he will go “there is no need for an apology doctor, I have no feelings for you to hurt” and then he will stare at them for 10 solid seconds like you gonna believe that ya dickhead?

it would be crazy if it happens while you're on a plane because some of the passengers would start crying and like have no where to go for hours while everyone else is really happy and laughing and going nuts

Was thinking about what I'd say to Zohran if I saw him on the street in Astoria and I landed on putting on a thick old school nyc style accent and be like "hey waidasecan ain't yuse duh mayah???"

mfw my eternal rival arrives at the same rent controlled apartment in Astoria, Queens I inhabit after I was sure I had defeated him centuries ago, back when we were elemental beings

My two cats have only known each other for a few years but sometimes when they're fighting I can sense in their eyes there's some sort of cosmic battle between them that they've been waging for centuries, potentially before the physical realm as we know it even existed

Me: Well phew that's settled haha. Using both medical and sports themed metaphors in the same verse I have little doubt that my lover, Jenny Lewis, will agree to marry me

Jenny Lewis:

Strong bad taught me how to be bad
Strong sad taught me how to be sad
Strong mad taught me how to be mad

So on one hand when gfs are out of town, you miss them. On the other hand, playing video games while listening to video games is a goated combination that seems untenable in their presence. Why are these gfs so thoroughly against such a pleasure?

Going into horrible debt for starting an aggressive 501(c)(4) political action organization that provides chairs to the beautiful and talented cheerleaders performing at March Madness games

ridin the rails

When the gf comes home early from girls night and I just started a main story quest

Where's he going?

First time in a while that the waiter at a German restaurant didnt acknowledge my insanely German last name

Was telling a story to someone and mentioned that I sneezed and they went, "Oh and I've HEARD your sneezes." And I had to stop telling the story and be like "wait what the fuck is wrong with my sneezes?"

just ordered the flounder fish sandwich from popeyes

Streisand having the microphone secretly in her pocket before busting out in song is so jenna maroney coded lol

Google AI told me Oscars started at 8 and then Hulu won't let me rewind. Also my teeth are chipped and dont have dental coverage so I have to cut my apples up and eat them like a child would

My front teeth are chipped and I don't have dental coverage so I gotta cut up apples and eat them like a child would

I know thats right