no clue how to flirt i just called this guy awesome sauce

every time i hear someone say “the early bird gets the worm” i wonder if somewhere out there, there’s a worm telling another worm “the later worm survives the bird”

nightmare blunt rotation but it’s just myself at various ages

i am the opposite of artificial intelligence. i am authentic stupidity

i don’t understand construction like how do they know what to do next

hello bluesky

maybe your baby is crying because it doesn’t like you

in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave

fuck iron supplements i just be eating staples

male octopuses die after they have sex which means squidward is a virgin

why were they always so mean to C-3PO

how it feels to unfollow the girls you met once in a bar 4 years ago

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

silicone is just regular cone to a freak like me

i will never forgive humanity for what we did to pigeons

i hope aliens believe in me :)

lana del rey married an older guy who looks like he eats cigarettes, just as the prophecy foretold

“white people have no culture” ok then what is the rainforest cafe?

i once babysat for a vegan family who had a kid named Hunter and i will never forget that

i used to pretend i was left handed as a kid god i wanted to be different so bad

how it feels to pay for parking at the place i fucking work at

idk who needs to hear this but the accident was so your fault

they should invent a kitchen aid appliance that takes up even more counter space

never been a smoker but every time i hear that a cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life i really consider getting into it

as intended

shredding the resume

i don’t believe you

“wow all canadians are so nice!” —people who have never been to quebec

zoinks! like, scoob… i don’t think that was a fart…

kids in elementary school for no fucking reason: