all that personal growth and development during my youth just to wake up at dawn and head to work still tired and very gassy

idk i just feel like grown men getting strep throat means they’re a hoe

wtf is it with white people just standing SO DAMN CLOSE TO YOU IN PUBLIIIICCCC

being a woman with a big purse is a holy experience men will never understand I’m walking around with a day planner, sunscreen, 3 lip balms, 2 pairs of sunglasses, 4 scrunchies, gum, Advil, Tylenol, Tums, Lactaids, a 2lb chuck steak, and a travel visa application to Ghana

the worst part of having been a member of the grippy socks gang is that if im ever targeted by corrupt totalitarian forces i cant do the sexy thing where i get on social media and be all “I love my life I have no intention of ever killing myself”

truly amazing what a full nights rest followed by XL Wellbutrin followed by an espresso beverage can do

i had a nightmare that i died and went to heaven but i still had to work and someone handed me my work laptop and told me to “figure it out there’s no Microsoft here” what do you think my psychiatrist will say about this one

how severe are your daddy issues you ask?

How many seconds of Daughters by John Mayer can you listen to without sprinting for the nearest freeway bridge?

Can you make it to the end of the song without being forced into a padded room or strait jacket

i mean, a lot of these political “moderates” are just like their parents and if I don’t like your mom I don’t like you im very Abby Lee Miller about it

some of my best work tbh

actually i take that back im bringing 2 kings Hawaiian sweet rolls and a loaded gun to use on myself because no way in hell am I waiting to die slowly and miserably the fuck

im always genuinely insulted when I say that I hate someone/thing and someone responds with “hate is a strong word” because why tf do you underestimate my loathing

we need financial compensation

actually comprehended the lyrics of my fav cozy weather/fall song this year and realized it’s about heroin

one time at work one of the weird tech bros was trying to explain to me how to get bugs off my computer so it wouldn’t be so slow and mid conversation he just descended into a flat split on the break room floor i did not ask him to do that and it was 6am.

idk if we’re talking versions on versions of the same song/album we need to refer to Mariah Carey’s 25th anniversary re-release of Rainbow. That album had 3 versions of Heartbreaker and they all ate. We’re not reflecting on the ancient texts anymore

i need these TikTok shop influencers to step it up. I just watched a video of a girl trying to sell me gummies saying “this gummy has more fiber than sugar”. Yes as does most everything else

if i was Taylor Swift I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting that Marty Healy ghosted me…that man is racist af and looks like a victorian child with consumption

i still yearn for summer ‘16

i need that free west African chiropractor treatment (a small child walks up and down my back)

at least every week I think about when Trisha Paytas was fighting for her life online against racist allegations and used her love of rice as defense

Gunna’s post prison glow up has me thinking maybe I should crash out to the maximum maybe it’ll actually be good for me to do time idk

I’ve heard the same! I vote we get back in the lab and make something closer

I don’t know nor do I care, make a simulation that stimulates the nerves they have in a similar way this should be the law 😩

every man should have to experience a simulation of an IUD insertion before going near a woman ever

the cult I was in would use this show as an example of what happens when you don’t center the prophets teachings in your life 🙂‍↕️

black women make literally anything look effortlessly good i was just watching that episode of my strange addiction where our good sis was addicted to drinking air freshener and she made that fresh linen febreeze look so refreshing and tasty oml

this ginger man entered himself in a conversation about comic books to talk about how much he hated Garfield so I asked if it’s bc they’re twins and he never spoke to me again. As a misandrist that was truly my one of greatest works of low effort with very high reward

my morning routine always includes what I call Beverly Hills Mom Breakfast (green tea w/ lemon and an assortment of antidepressants and vitamins)