Dad: Back in my day music had meaning.

Will a boomer tell me wtf oweemoway is and what it has to do with a jungle

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

I think more ceos should have to consume their product on a tik tok so get on it guy that runs clorox

Your pool hustler name is the state you lost your virginity in followed by the meanest adjective a small child has ever used to describe you.

Why did we all let that 1 guy in our friends circle in high school that wouldn't shut up about Rush

Thanks

Thanks, that ringing is annoying

Thought chemo was supposed to finish making me bald not giving me acid reflux and tinnitus this is bullshit

I don’t care what thread count your sheets are, if they don’t have a “top/bottom” label they’re not classy enough for me

FedEx guy just pulled up pulled some big boxes off his truck and then put them back in and drove off so now I know how my dog feels when I come back in because I forgot my keys

She let me hit because I could explain how to play minesweeper

*shows up to a knife fight looking to make friends

Whoever said women aren't funny doesn't know ANY woman.

FedEx guy just pulled up pulled some big boxes off his truck and then put them back in and drove off so now I know how my dog feels when I come back in because I forgot my keys

Thanks one is more or less an inconvenience it's a simple skin cancer they just need to remove the other is more serious and I hope the chemo will fix

Found out I had 2 forms of cancer today and my doctor was concerned when the only questions I had were if he could write me a note saying it was fine that I'm high all the time and if this meant I could get a handicap parking pass

I will sell one U.S. state to the Canadians each day until my demands are met

Just know when I say I've lost weight what I mean is I forgot that I ate 2 pounds of taco meat meant for the family

Can’t, busy stringing my xanax into an adult candy necklace

His autopsy said he died of lung cancer so maybe dad really did go out for cigarettes

I prefer soft shells over hard shells because I have enough things in my life falling apart

Who up, who cold and shamed and lying naked on the floor

That mf right there is a gansta

Wait...before we assume. Shouldn't someone make sure he didn't die from fentanyl

With football being back I need everyone to know that the word “huddle” is just a combination of the words “hug” and “cuddle”.

Star Trek II directors cut? You mean the long khan?

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"

I just wrote a skeet so clever and unique that only 73 other people have already skeeted exactly the same thing before me.

Tarrifs are so bad temu tried to offer me three trailer park girls to go round the outside for 0.01

I only wear cargo shorts because i can fit a Rotisserie Chicken into each pocket