New slogans for local elections
Reform UK: We'll make you poorer to make us richer
Labour: Keeping everyone happy by disappointing everyone equally
Conservatives: Already out of ideas three leaders ago
Lib Dems: No, we're not sure either
Greens: Sensible ideas that the rich will tell you are radical

Headline from Hull Daily Mail: Property at risk of falling into the sea among latest planning applications. Next to it is a picture of the magnificent and huge baroque revival Guildhall

I'm a big fan of how this headline and image combo reads like Hull's Guildhall in the city centre, nowhere near the water's edge, is at risk of falling into the sea

If you come over to my house, I will make you a tisane from a range of plants growing wild in my garden and we shall frolic

I think we should stop giving important jobs to rich people, even if it's just temporary, until we can figure out where all these paedophiles are coming from

given that starmer can’t come out and say “we gave him the job because he was friends with the same nonce as trump”, it’s up to broadcasters to ask mps from all parties if they think that was a wise strategy

When I'm stressed, I say to myself 'well, at least you're not at the bit in the first Tomb Raider game where the t-rex comes out and you have to shoot while jumping backwards cos that's a lot'

The underside of a jam jar lid with the words 'eat well, love life'

Is 'live, laugh, love' too basic for Tiptree?

Stop equating muslims with terrorism. Stop equating Jews with the crimes of Israel. Stop equating trans people or black people or travellers or gay people with goodness knows what fucking else. Just fucking stop. Just fucking stop.

A small doorway at the top of three tiny steps, halway up a larger staircase. A man pretends to fall down them sideways. Meanwhile, there's a beware of the steps hazard sign on the wall to the right

I know this tiny staircase at Kedleston Hall, Derbyshire is completely unsuitable for such a serious matter as whimsy but I found the challenge to fall down them too hard to resist 41/

Good news! The potholes on British roads are now so bad we don't need to spend money on installing speed bumps

The pursuit of money, where you're chasing more despite having enough to last several lifetimes, should be categorised as a mental illness.

Things that aren't scary according to rich Americans:
- lack of healthcare because you can't afford it
- active shooter drills at school because the country thinks guns are more important than kids' lives

Things that are scary:
- people who can afford it being made to pay more

What I like about this series of #Taskmaster is that American Kumail Nanjiani has a lot of different British accents to contend with, all of which could have been used by brothers of Daphne in Frasier

I'm Catholic by birth and very much not anymore but the guilt never leaves you and it bestows on me the permission to slag off the church whenever I like. However, imagine thinking you know more about Catholicism than the actual Pope, you absolute weapon

Restore Britain: Because Reform UK aren't angry enough about brown people
SNP: Your only viable option in Scotland whether you support independence or not
Plaid Cymru: See above but for Wales
Your Party: Our leadership committee will vote on a slogan for May's local elections in 6 weeks' time

New slogans for local elections
Reform UK: We'll make you poorer to make us richer
Labour: Keeping everyone happy by disappointing everyone equally
Conservatives: Already out of ideas three leaders ago
Lib Dems: No, we're not sure either
Greens: Sensible ideas that the rich will tell you are radical

The Pope...
*kidnaps a President*
...is...
*bombs Iran*
...weak...
*grabs women by the pussy*
...on...
*hangs out with paedophiles*
...crime.

If Orbán can be beaten despite the gerrymandering and the strict control of the media, any despot can be beaten... (well maybe not Xi, but certainly Netanyahu, Erdoğan, Trump, even Putin maybe???)

That bit when daffodils overlap with bluebells and tulips: superb. 8/10. Loses a couple of points for still being a bit nippy and windy

The last war the US successfully won on their own was the Civil one.

Ed Balls

Two Noddy Holders

Liam Neeson

Toast

All together now...

Ed, Holders, Neeson, Toast

We all know bread goes in a toaster and toast comes out but at what point does the bread become toast? Halfway through? Only when it comes out? Maybe the thing that's in the toaster is neither bread nor toast but Schrodinger's slice?

Guys, whoever left the wind on, can you turn it off now please? It's doing my head in

Imagine if Spurs had been playing in that shit European Super League and been in a relegation scrap in the Premier League at the same time. That would've been fun

The peer pressure on teenage boys to wear only black and grey clothes must be unbearable

"You can't hear an image."

The image:

Can I just express how much I detest the gulf between the graphical representation and the intended pronunciation of the sports streaming service DAZN?

She is also very good at that

Catching up on SNL UK. I wish it was just an hour of Jack Shep doing Princess Diana, Emma Sidi doing literally anything, and Paddy Young doing that smouldering thing he does