Of what would you desire a clump?

YOUNG CLARK KENT (at his school desk, lists the noble gasses): Helium, Neon, Argon…

*a tear rolls down Clark’s cheek*

TEACHER: Go on, Clark.

CLARK (starts sniffling): It’s Kryp-

*the tears begin to cascade*

*Lana puts her hand on Clark’s leg*

*Clark gets a super boner and his desk explodes*

Immer fragen mich alle, was ich beruflich mache und wie alt meine Kinder sind

Nie will jemand wissen, welche Superkraft ich gerne im Falle einer Zombie-Apokalypse hätte.

THERAPIST: Okay, tell me about the panties. Were they in a bunch?

Asked my therapist if I could read his notes from our last session and it was just a drawing of my face with a line through it

I programmed my robot to do "The Robot." Now, if I can get it to drop an envelope into a birdcage, I'll never need to go to a wedding again.

always the bridesmaid who mysteriously disappeared after being locked inside a hope chest and now haunts the church grounds still waiting to catch the bouquet, never the bride

ME (taking hit): What's the best age to tell your son you smoke a shit ton of weed?

SON: Um, I guess it's 7, Dad.

That song is hilarious until somebody sneezes and you actually lose your meatball.

I just sneezed so hard a fart snuck out at the same time

I had a gender reveal party and everyone was horrified by my weird penis.

Testicles are the balls of the penis

Dragon: I'm really draggin' today.

Unicorn: I hate you so fucking much.

if you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

One might say. Yes.

"IT'S A TARP!"

-- Sales Associate Akbar in the camping section of Dick's Sporting Goods

*Darth Vader running his helmet thru the dishwasher*

“And this little piggy went wee wee wee all over a teenage sex slave...”

—excerpt from the Big Book of Epstein Rhymes

I do a lot of galumphing for a wee lass

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Are you willing and able to assist other passengers in the case of an emergency?

ME (after 4 airport martinis): Glerp.

My step uncle-in-law once told me, "Always do everything first class.". Then he sat on the hood ornament of a Bentley.

I have an uncle who always passes along a hair metal lesson whenever I see him

Rubbed a bunch of beef tallow on my dork but it’s still a shriveled mess

these big tech freaks are getting too bold. lots of important sounding language for a bunch of soulless dorks

8,972 is the perfect amount of followers.

So please, no one follow unless somebody leaves or else I am going to have to start limiting the bangers.

all panties aside, it’s friday

I just told my son about the birds and the bees and now he's jerking off into the hydrangea bush in my back yard.

A crazy looking bird with wild head feathers.

Me trying to figure out most @ replies.

Sorry. Can’t make it out tonight. I’m folding one of my wife’s exercise top thingies…