Culture is chock full of gods and ghosts, language the drift of the spirit away from the meat and bones of its origin.

[dabbing perfume on my neck]
This could be the night when the Abyss gazes back into me.

After an intense examination of the premises I found my missing cup of coffee in the shower.

a woman is talking on a payphone in a hallway . Alt: Two woman aggressively hanging up a landline and a pay phone by viciously banging the receivers down.

When people take more than 3 seconds to hang up after saying Ok Bye I’m like

If you’re not coming with that, “Let’s drink Cabernet until our lips turn purple” energy, you should definitely ring the New Year in with someone else.

I went into an extremely crowded store. I had a cart and there was nowhere to push it and nowhere to put it and nowhere to stop and look. When I went to the next store, I did not get a cart. Freedom washed over me. Zipping through crowds, light on my feet, an unencumbered sprite.

Hear me out: The Gronkch

“I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn”

“I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn”

pls miss me with the rigamarole

Thinking I’m going to get fired for being sassy and snarky in an email, then realizing I actually just sound matter-of-fact, logical, and polite after reading it again is top Virgo behavior.

A few years ago I saw someone say that dating someone with ADHD is like microdosing Wikipedia and I’m still recovering from that wound

I'm not a hermit because I don't understand people, I'm a hermit because I do

a woman with a bruise on her forehead covering her ears Alt: A girl covering her ears in horrendous pain

My ears feel like they spontaneously spurt blood every time I click on a review video someone turned into ASMR. I hate them SO much. They make me want to bash my head against a wall and rip the remaining fragments of my brain out of my skull.

NANCY IS HAVING A BAD DREAM IN HER DREAM WE SEE A PEACOCK WITH ITS FEATHERS IN MULTIPLE COLORS AND THERE IS WRITTEN IN THE DREAM THIS NIGHTMARE WILL BE IN FULL COLOR

THIS NIGHTMARE WILL
BE IN FULL COLOR

They should make cat toys that the cat can actually disembowel, like lil plushie intestines can spill out of the cat toy

Raising Arizona.

Someone mispronounced 'gamut' on a podcast I was listening to the other day and I'm still mad about it

My neutered cat has a new nickname (Horn Dawg) and a new girlfriend (super fluffy blanket) I sit here giggling at my little Lothario and his discovery of this newfound and pointless pleasure.

Next Halloween I'm handing out Zippo lighters.

I have several social media accounts that by themselves could pass the age verification process. And my mobile phone number is from the 1900s.

“omg gloves made out of paper towels”

-me, stoned and eating chicken wings

Panel from a Harvey Comics work showing Casper's cousin, Spooky the Tuff Little Ghost, flying down over some mushrooms to a roadsign that says "Weirdsville". He says: "Well ... Here I am!"

How timezones affect social media perceptions

By the tapping of my thumbs,
Something wiki'd this way comes.

Terry: 🖤🤍
📸unknown.

ME: *explaining my symptoms to a doctor* it feels like my body is full of 10,000 snakes, all hissing at each other. sometimes one bites another, and that part of me is lost

MY DOCTOR, WHO IS 10,000 SNAKES IN A LAB COAT: yesss yesssss, thiss isss all very normal for humansssss

it’s the inner Cheech in me that sees the inner Chong in you

Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything.