*Constitutionally barred from running for election again
*Raises indecent amounts of campaign funds.
*…?

People who ‘walk’ in transit stations while reading their phone should be given a time out

We’re here to get to there, people. You’re holding us up and we hate you for it.

To get a peek at how bad the LA Olympics will be?

It’s ok because it’s balanced by billionaires paying the sitting US President to dictate policy.

a man in a black sweater is laying on a couch with his eyes closed and crying . ALT: a man in a black sweater is laying on a couch with his eyes closed and crying .

I can’t, my Twitter account is dead!

Retweet this is you think @timheidecker.bsky.social should hire me as a staff writer for The Onion

It’s garbage day one day every week.

*horny American MAGA

So, fish that already stinks like death?

😡

How silly are they gonna look when all their ill-gotten wealth is useless because the USD$ crashes and no one can buy their stuff.

What about ‘slightly annoyed at the general state of things’?

#DeliveringForAmerica

“Americans, a society fixed on the future”

-Pro Football players are always id’d with the college they played for.

-Fed’l Judges are always id’d by which party/pres appointed them

Now cannabis ads are tagged “I’m toasted”

"Rumours of my demise..."

“A great manager who kept getting his company into big trouble only I could help out with”

...and a tight dress doesn't seem to help me get it done.

Even using today’s military Trump would have lost the conquest of Hawai’i

Bees are #Preppers

Not sure but they will by Y-chromosomeless

“Lowering competence expectations so he can really wallop ‘em with a smarty move later on”

And thus, the Forever War was birthed.

“Flyover States” renamed “Sonic Boom States” in 2028

I have nothing to hide

Spend $Billions
Yadda
Yadda
Yadda
Make money

Thank goodness disease isn’t personified as a major problem by being one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse or anything…

Anthropic got the #HegsethBump.

When did the Kennedy clan immigrate to the country? If it’s less than five generations then he’s right.
🙄

A toll booth attendant has power that far exceeds his character.