Eating a plate of onions in my hovel.

Just invented a new type of situation

normalize dropping to your knees and sobbing when people won’t stop talking

The edible gravel in my neighbor's driveway tastes awful. He keeps telling me "stop eating that, it's not edible". What kind of edible gravel isn't edible?

I drank my coffee talking to a 400 million year old boulder this morning. I'm not telling you what it said - find your own ancient rock

Saying "that's preposterous" and "such insolence" in the all-hands meeting when I hear that the team has not been consistently hitting all KPIs

Playing a hilarious prank on my future self by throwing a plate of beans straight up in the air

just biding my time until i’ve been fully accepted into cat society

Im addicted to taking one sock off and drinking a glass of water

Standing in the yard with my mouth open and drinking 2L of rainwater right from the sky. Took about 1hr 45min

If you're having trouble telling the difference between badgers and marbles, remember this: One is a small glass ball used for a variety of recreational & decorative purposes, and the other is a mid-sized nocturnal mustelid primarily found in the northern hemisphere

Sorry about my friend he’s been living off nutrient poor fine grained sediment for years

Opening an incognito window and searching "What are some normal things to do on the weekend"

A good way to leave a conversation is to suddenly crouch down and scuttle away sideways like a crab

I miss my dog. He's in the other room

My cursed item knows just what to whisper to me.

Does anyone want to talk about weird noises we heard in the night and wildly speculate about the origins of those noises

whenever one of these fascinating new items is introduced to my enclosure i can't help but exhibit fewer behaviors which indicate anxiety

Whenever I spot something from far away I think about how good a hawk I would make.

Shooting a poison dart at you from my concealed position

Things are escalating. Tensions are high. The dove’s nest in the backyard now has two eggs in it

Pusic is so important to me. I mean music

I'm always buying little treats then burying them in the back of my freezer and forgetting they exist. Squirrel behavior

‘cleeb.’ word i thought up just now

All of my arms and legs and etc. just fell off

"wow, i love laminar flow!!! it's so cool and it's low entropy!" this is what you sound like when you ignore boundary conditions when operating your heat exchanger

Everyone is always yelling at me to give them the antidote. There'll be time for that later. Right now let's discuss what you think of my latest outfit.

Mind if I snuffle around in the dirt outside your window tonight for nutrients?

my coworkers are much smaller than me and cling to my fur so i can protect them from predators

During the battle I threw a javelin and it somehow speared 3 guys in a row like a kebab. Now everyone's making a big deal out of it and watching to see if I do it again. I swear it was an accident