not now damn it, I’m romancing the stone (found a cool rock on the ground so I’m licking it to see what it would look like after a few rounds in my rock tumbler)

hey babe can you come pick my up from the zoo i guess arctic monkeys aren’t even real

Nobody told me these suspenders were going to give me cameltoe

My body is so lumpy that if I were a mummy I’d look like someone with shaky hands tried to roll a cigarette

at least your hands around my throat gets rid of two of my chins how do I look

There is nothing familiar about the inside of this whale but the swallowing took me back. The 90's indie rock scene, books I thought I should read, too much time with the wrong person, all in boxes outside, oh shit my ex kicked me out of this whale

(snuggling with my cat when she gets a look in her eye) are you about to bite me

cat: prrhaps

I want peace but I also want to fuck shit up

gonna fuck around and be my biggest cheerleader but more like the cheerleaders from the nirvana music video

Wanna find heart shaped rocks and throw them at each other..affectionately.

starting a gofundme to teach deer how to rollerblade

reverse tail whip into a nose boop,
60 points

Is it normal to have a child, just to see them in tiny crocs

A good way to leave a conversation is to pretend you dropped your glasses behind some furniture, bend down to pick them up then ninja roll out of the room, house, street, suburb, city, state, country, planet.

Our sales pitch today was a real dog and pony show. I mean, the dog was easy to handle but the pony shit all over the conference room.

backyard filled with clover, violets and dandelions

it’s called “being cheeky” because you’re being a bit of an ass

I hung two shirts and folded 3 pairs of sweatpants so now I'm resting with a joint

You guys go on and keep reaching for the stars. I’ll just stay here and have an egg.

Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion

normalize dropping to your knees and sobbing when people won’t stop talking

Hard shells, sharp talons, twin beak attack, flapping, ducking, swamp skills, weird skin flaps, all is possible

The sax solo is right behind me isn't it?

Don't fuck with me I'll use a slice of bread as a hotdog bun I am not to be played with.

why not three testicles tho, maybe i wanna juggle while i’m down there doing mouth stuff

turkeys and turtles should team up.
Now is the dawn of Turtur squad

MTV’s Cribs but it’s spiders showing off their webs.

centering my entire personality around not having one

sometimes my love for imaginary things feels even better than the real thing baby

think I am in a good mood today because I get to run down the hill now