MTV’s Cribs but it’s spiders showing off their webs.

centering my entire personality around not having one

sometimes my love for imaginary things feels even better than the real thing baby

think I am in a good mood today because I get to run down the hill now

I guess if babies were born with teeth there is a chance those mean fuckers would eat themselves right out of there, huh?

All I’m saying is if I was going to write a book about a boy who never grew up, I wouldn’t have called him Peter Pan. I would’ve named him Constanteen.

Still from the first Lord of the Rings movie showing Saruman speaking to Gandalf with text that reads "Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind."

fuck you man

a gigaflop is when you post one billion bad jokes

Text exchange Bees are back Ok

How's your day going?

stop…Hammer Time

(made my mom a ham sandwich)

dementia isn’t all bad, I get to reintroduce my mom to The Supremes twice a week

Don't announce "Wilhelm Scream!" when you hear one in a movie challenge.

the screws left over after i assemble furniture are honestly none of my business

Dressing up with shiny bits and baubles on for my hike so a murder of crows pick me up and carry me home with them

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

The amount of water in baby carrot bags feels performative

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

What if there were a reverse tooth fairy who implants extra teeth in your mouth while you sleep?

siri when is the toilet olympics

are you telling me this scallion can rap

If you always open a bag of chips upside down it's because a very naughty potato has cursed your entire snackline. But I'm seriously, do not be too disappotatoed in yourself

Why so equid, babe?

Is earwax meant to keep things from burrowing in or things from clawing their way out?

Not to be dramatic, but my dog has a lil mushroom shaped nose w a round onion head & it’s just so fuckin cute sometimes it makes me wanna punch myself in the face till I spit out puddles of teeth. I can’t stand it!

::::plays back audio recording taken during a paranormal investigation::::::

“…show us your boobs…”

aim to quease

I wonder if the brain worms feel good, like a little massage inside your head

selling my drafts at the flea market

I really need to stop telling lies to try and impress people. Now my date wants to see photos of me as a newborn with a full set of teeth.

damn girl, are you a tiny chunk of cat food? because i just accidentally ate you off a cutting board because i thought you were a banana bread crumb. i don't think i'm doing this format right