A baseball team that loses every game is mad at me for recommending we try hitting the ball. My mistake, monsieur! Carry on!

Like consider the progressive voter season 7 Ken Cosgrove, you have to woo us now and we're prepared to be really annoying about it.

I used to get mad when they'd do the whole "shame the progressives" routine but now I think it's funny! We tried three consecutive elections of their consultants and people pleasing approach and we lost two of them! They don't get to tell anyone to fall in line!!

Is it possible to create an island with a safe harbor in the middle of a massive storm? We would like to think so. Free on CASCADE CASCADE:

Turning the tide of a war I'm losing by refusing to flush the toilet

constantly traumatized Tolarian Academy students whipping their heads around like "you guys got WHAT"

I do think that whatever spiritual crisis is happening right now is, if not caused by, mirrored in the weird blandness of new construction home decor. Everything is taupe and frictionless! You will never be surprised! You will sit quietly in your beige and wait for your turn to be old!

Infowars/Onion combo logo in rainbow saying “I support the onion’s hostile media takeover.”

It’s finally happened. After 18 months. Finally, a media merger you can root for.

Opening my mouth to say "okay keep talking" only to realize that it's been quietly filling with blood since I fell, eliciting perfectly recorded screams from my loved ones <<<<<

Happy "The Onion finally got Infowars" day to all who celebrate

Rushing to the table, visibly hurt but acting like nothing happened, so that I can set up my Prego Brand Listening device only to have to send an authenticator code to my phone to reset my PregoPremium password before pressing record <<<<<

It does sort of feel like every company, regardless of industry, is desperately releasing some sort of dork-ass device to try and stave off an imminent economic collapse

Realizing the dinner vibe is really good and running out of the room to get my Prego Brand Listening Device only to trip over a stool and bust my lip <<<<<<

I had that happen to me in college when I was managing the flight info for an entire improv team. Everyone was getting ready to go to the beach so I had to tell a bunch of people in fun beach outfits that not only were we not going to the beach but we also had fully missed our flight lmao

I typically walk into the airport an hour-ish before boarding starts and I haven't missed a flight in ten years, I feel like you can cut it so close and still make it

"no man they look cool"

It's funny how badly Euphoria wants to be at the center of something culturally, to be some grim mirror for American culture, but instead never feels like anything but a middle aged guy's idea of what youth in the 2020s is like

1) Just finish it. Turning a bad draft into a good draft is easier than turning no draft into a perfect draft.

2) If you don't finish it, someone else will write it in a few years that that will be just similar enough to yours to make it not worth writing but just different enough to piss you off

Unfortunately the Beast of Marathon has risen from the cold waters of Lake Superior

Won a prerelease game by storming lightning bolt four times…….beautiful

There's a stretch in Edgewater that has some of the best old signs and facades in the city

this is actually just a little joke

I'm prepared to be told that there is no Strait of Hormuz and that it was an elaborate exercise to show how little Americans know about geography

If you make a good product someone from a huge corporation will come to your house and offer you ten million dollars to make it bad

I’m hearing word that the season finale of The Pitt cut a scene where Dr Robby leaves for his trip, passes one of those billboards that says “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL” and decides to go to Legoland Paris instead

youre damn right

Getting banned from starbucks for asking the app to generate a series of increasingly erotic anthropomorphized coffees

Missed having a good "watch it on the porch" storm

HERSHEY Official Trailer (2026) Alexandra Daddario YouTube video by ONE Media

I do feel a little like I've been struck in the head

Thank you! It felt like at a certain point pointing out actually problematic stuff didn't scratch the itch enough and people started trying to find these increasingly bizarre paths to wokeness