ahahaha

strained my neck eating a slice of pizza with low structural integrity

this is the only “write a horror story in X words” that has ever really got me, thanks, I hate it

I am not a punctual person but I have never missed a flight. I compensate by being terrible at packing

it’s 4/20, you know what that means (time to take my weekly vitamin D pill)

also we have three different options for the meme depending on what day it is

Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point

reporting from Kentucky, we are often the worst but sometimes

it’s wonderful to have someone to share your curses with

I want a hot dog

The absence of influential nuns in his life is screamingly palpable.

oh. that’s it. that’s exactly it

bless his heart

they’re insisting on pumping gas into all the planes themselves

working from home this afternoon (unusual). I don’t understand how all y’all resist nap

I’m very sorry about your cat

my personal relationship with the Catholic Church over my lifetime is not dissimilar to the Japanese people’s relationship with Godzilla over His lifetime

Inviting JD Vance to every Yankees game

the pokéball is a really remarkable technology if you think about it

I always get nervous about losing my keys when I go on a trip

I wonder what the astronauts did with their car keys while they were visiting the moon

haunted???

if they start using "papist" as a slur again well I'm sorry to say I'm not strong enough to resist relapsing on catholicism

Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them

where did beetle moses find this picture of me

excited to announce that this long personal/professional nightmare is finally over

it was not as bad as I expected but I would not like to do it again any time soon

DONE

called Dad about taxes. “oh you’re doing them early this year”

✅ I’m not a robot

some dudes in their twenties are scampering about in the local park, taking pictures of flowers. somebody should have them on a podcast