Taken from "The Ian Fiveankles Show". . .

The latter stages of the Champions' League, so naturally everyone is talking about Manchester United.
Taken from "The Ian Fiveankles Show"

"If Somalia bought Fulham, I'd forgive them all the piracy, I really would."

I've played this with the theme music from "Titanic" and I'm not ashamed to admit it's had me welling up.

I have thrown a couple of hats into the ring, for sure.

Thanks mate. I think we've got it, but what would a helping hand look like if we needed it?

Very pleased to be back in the Stak studios for the coming soon "Ian Fiveankles Show". . .

Insights from Steve "Bouldy" Bould as to why Arsenal are so hated right now. With unbiased interview from yours truly.

"The War in Iran was started by WOKES!"

Colin from Portsmouth says that the war is a ruse by carbon neutral lobbyists to put up the price of oil so we all start investing in green energy.

My word, I've seen everything now. . .

Good to see the President consulting Luis Suárez on the Middle East. He'll get his teeth into this, for sure.

Thank you, we miss not doing it though very excited to reveal we have been back in the studio recording something new which should be unveiled in the next few weeks.

If football was a foreign exchange programme from the 1980s.

"I'm shocked, Anthony! Peter Mandelson and Prince Andrew seemed like such stand up, decent blokes!"

Colin from Portsmouth can't believe the Epstein findings.

POV Abraham Lincoln invites you to the theatre.

Heavy sighs, repressed emotions, and, erm, penalty decisions. . .

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If the history of life on earth is condensed into a single day, then humans did not appear until 11:59pm and 59 seconds, so one second before midnight.
And if you look closely you can see James Milner coming on for his first Premier League appearance.

We actuallly did a similar thing in my day, but with oven-ready chickens.

It weren't like this in my day.

When I went back to Derby County, I booed myself in my own face.

In advance of a live appearance this evening in Bethnal Green (tickets here: backyardcomedyclub.co.uk/event/link/?...) I am reminded of another speaking engagement a few years ago:

Dishing the dirt. On myself.
#Fiveankles #PrincessAnne #Football

a referee wearing a green shirt with the word fifa on it . ALT: a referee wearing a green shirt with the word fifa on it .

3. Booked once in the second half whilst one-nil up for Burton Albion for taking eight minutes to tie my boot lace, then shown a second yellow after asking the fourth official to help me fill in a tax return on the halfway line to properly “slow things down.”

2. Sent off playing for Leyton Orient for “unsporting behaviour” after insisting on playing the second half under one of those golfing umbrella hats. Because it was drizzling and I’d just had my barnet done.

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I have sympathy for Ekitike.
Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better:
🧵
1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.

I once got sent off for time-wasting while taking a throw-in. The ball boy hadn't given me the ball back yet. First, and I think ONLY, red card for waiting politely.

Nuno gave hope and the whiff of success to Nottingham Forest and no true fan wants that. What they crave is finishing 17th whilst having a 'bloody good bloke' in charge and that's exactly what Ange will deliver. Best of luck to them. Great club management.

England beating Andorra 2-0 is like turning up late to a five-a-side and still managing to nutmeg your own cousin. Job done, but nobody’s clapping. Not sure where Serbia is, it's somewhere down the back of Europe's sofa- but be warned, they do have actual footballers.

Transfer Deadline Day’s gone mad — Nadine Dorries completes shock move to Reform on a free. Meanwhile, Angela Rayner thought she'd scored a housing winner only to have it chalked off for offside in the Stamp Duty box. And then something about Nigel Farage and football.