if you turn off all the lights and sing meredith brooks’ “bitch” 3 times into the bathroom mirror you’ll enter “the gamer zone” where you black out and rattle off a bunch of slurs that aren’t in the original lyrics

every fish on a poker site's screenname is like "Big Dick Bill" and every shark's name is like "Elena from The CWs Vampire Diaries"

guy at work [cringe, basic]: looks like someone’s got a case of the mondays

me [cool, constantly holding clinical depression at bay]: yeah whatever, todd, who gives a shit about life anyway

I wish I were someone who dreads mondays cause it’s so far from the weekend instead of just seeing every day as a different flavor of unyielding hell

#1 We are so grateful for our fans and supporters, and owe them a debt we could never repay UwU

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#14: Blood and soil!

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#88: Race war now!

fascinating how you keep including a screengrab showing mamdani agreeing with you and making the same point you’re making, but you have such mamdani derangement syndrome that you think it proves he’s a problem for the party

these fast and the furious straight to video sequels are really falling off

even canonically people are getting on the bus and different people are sitting next to him, so the third person’s gotta be like “idk who tf lt dan is but I’m happy for you I guess”

you believe that leftist rag?

how come when celebrities say they failed many times before they got where they are, people find it “inspiring”, but when I say it they just go “no shit, loser”

I have niche tastes (women)

just found out chairs weren’t commonly used until a few hundred years ago. I know air conditioning and tv are modern amenities but how tf did we only recently start sitting?

this shit happened to me for months. finally deleted the app and downloaded an update and that fixed it

Hell, you pay a premium for doing something worthwhile. People know you’ll work in education, healthcare, elder care, child care, research or NGOs out of the goodness of your heart.

You gotta spend 50 hrs a week finding new ways to exploit workers or fool consumers to get paid a market rate

healing the sick by taking away their health coverage

I realize that being disappointed that I’m watching a movie I like instead of a breadtuber spending 90 minutes giving me a contrarian take about the movie says way more about me than it does about 2004’s shaun of the dead

the problem with movies being on youtube now is that I keep being like “hell yeah, someone made an hour and a half video essay on shaun of the dead” and 5 minutes later I realize I’m just watching 2004’s shaun of the dead

Surely the next weird little sentence I post for strangers on the internet will be the one that cures my mental illness

look, I don’t like it anymore than you but trying to impeach a popular president for having an affair with his intern backfired so now there’s no way to hold presidents accountable for anything ever again

fifa’s in charge of peace prizes

we have agreed* to a cease-fire*

I will not be elaborating on the asterisks

end of press conference

as someone who was raised catholic, I also dgaf what the pope has to say; importantly though, that’s why I don’t consider myself catholic anymore

they’re both the same if you judge politics by aesthetics, not ideology. it’s the same people who’s main complaint about trump’s iran tweet is that it had a profanity

edgy sound bites are just as bad to them as being a literal out and proud fascist

the centerleft complains about wokescolds and purity tests and guilt by association until they catch a leftist in the same room as someone problematic

millenials are old enough to remember a time when the Strait of Hormuz was open without playing a game the youths are calling “existential chicken”

the tweet even follows perfect joke structure.

either they’re in on it or god is using them as a vessel for a lark

okay this one HAS to be parody. come the fuck on!

I think a lot of liberal llama dramas who were worried about nuclear war today owe mr trump an apology

name ONE time obama got through a day without annihilating an entire civilization

yeah, I got tds alright. timothee derangement syndrome!