Today is, as far as I can tell, entirely cursed. Be careful out there.

I bet it’s great with pepperoni

gerrymandering is woke now, actually she changed her name to gina. it's ginamandering now.

Green olive is such a specific pizza topping. My mom liked hamburger with green olive and every now and then I still order it. It’s one of those toppings where you can tell someone in the kitchen is like, “I’ll be damned.”

all water is classic water

Matt Damon playing a 14th century French knight that looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Mullet. Beard. Smells like horse shit, pine tar, and cigarette smoke.

Matt Damon while playing Odysseus who also looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Long, skinny beard. Smells like horseshit, pine tar, and perhaps Mediterranean herbs.

Matt Damon playing a 19th century cowboy that looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Mustache. Shaggy hair. Smells like horse shit, pine tar, and definitely chewing tobacco.

Every time Matt Damon takes on a period role he ends up looking like a third baseman for the Phillies.

someday we’ll find it
the [magical amount of saddle tilt where I feel really stable but my dick doesn’t go numb two miles into a ride]
the lovers, the dreamers and me

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly

Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

He should excommunicate him just for fun. Y’know, to see if the wand or whatever works.

30 years ago today, Principal Skinner purchased fast food to disguise as his own cooking at an unforgettable luncheon with Superintendent Chalmers.

#TheSimpsons episode “22 Short Films About Springfield” first aired April 14, 1996.

when my patio has shade it’s over for you bitches

every night the same dream. throwing touchdowns to a gorilla in the rain

"Complex carbohydrate" what's that a french fry with feelings

Norman Osborn stares at the green goblin mask which is labeled “be pedantic on the internet”

oops

this is my emotional support room temperature airport Chili’s side salad

Nice.

The Garden of Earthly Delights (detail), by Hieronymus Bosch, 1480-1505, 📸 by @alexbrandon

Have I had too much coffee to fly? Or do I simply no longer need the plane?

ha ha ha but seriously don’t fucking tread on me

Did you know? Double cheese burger

DID YOU? DID YOU KNOW?

Goddammit

Florida wants to be Northern California so bad and instead it just sucks

Andy

The Sweet Corn Sixteen

If I’ve learned anything about writing from @tacobellquarterly.org, it’s

hahaaa

ahem

Nebraska? The volleyball school?

the power of nebrasketball grows beyond mankind’s control