i have yet to be tapped since i came back from the second concussion, across four opponents. 3 of those i tapped and the fourth neither of us could tap the other. we had three rounds positional rolling drills at the end though, which i won all three rounds of. i feel really good, physically.

most of my recent opponents have had 20+ lbs on me and i’ve fought nearly even with them on raw physicality. the one smaller opponent i’ve had, who has quite a bit more experience, couldn’t lock in a submission to save their life and had to fight from guard any time i wanted them to.

up to 150 lbs. had quite a bit of fat last time i weighed this much but if you touch my abdomen now it’s quite hard. i haven’t weighed this much in a while, but the exercise and jiu jitsu made it a good weight for me i think. i bowl over people in my own weight class on the mat.

so going through this all, not only escaping that situation but making it to wall street with no education, helping the ppl i’ve helped, i’ve recovered like 95% on my own. it’s just that last 5%, mostly around intimacy, that is “stuck.” but even there i’m improving quite quickly now that i’m trying.

as hard as it has been, i’ve done quite a bit of work on my own to get better. it’s hard to imagine this now, but into my teen years it was thought i would need care for the rest of my life, that i couldn’t function independently. my family was terrified when i left home for my first job.

my heart never quite recovered. i’m in emdr for it now, and since i haven’t been posting here much (this is my traumacore account i guess) i think it’s been working pretty well. the therapist thinks part of my brain is “frozen at a younger age” from PTSD, and we’re working on unfreezing it.

i haven’t got rid of this lock screen yet. i’m still holding onto it, something really deep seated in my heart. the ranch, before we moved into the skating rink under the movie theater, before everything fell apart. i loved those horses, and the other animals. i know it’s gone, but goodbyes are hard

i have been building a new one, a family of my own. i have a daughter and daughter-in-law now, and lots of close friends of course. that’s where my joy is now, it’s what i spend most of my time thinking about. i just also miss my birth family, despite everything that happened. it makes me melancholy

my mom, grandparents, step dad, even my father, they were about the only irl social interaction i had from 9 to 21. being kept at home for my childhood, no school or anything, they were my whole world. they’re almost all gone now, and my family being a real thing feels like such a distant memory.

back in seattle now. mom is in rehab, 2nd time in a year. unfortunately she slept through the entire visit just about, and went to the hospital a few days later. its weighing on me a bit, i had a complicated relationship with my birth family, not for the usual reasons, but it’s sad it’s almost gone.

went to my hometown to celebrate my grandma’s birthday with my brother and mom. she ended up sleeping the whole day bcuz of illness, she hasn’t been doing well. it made everything really hit home. my family is almost all gone. we are the adults now.

woke up from my first nightmare in a bit. it wasn’t a scary one. i woke up from a dream where i felt useless and a drain on the people i care about and the world, because i can’t contribute to make the world any better. i was malnourished somehow. woke up crying a bit. i should take up plumbing.

this isn’t what it looks like

i feel quite lonely in seattle, even though i saw two friends today. somehow i feel quite far away from everyone, the ambient warmth just being in sf is quite different. ill be back soon though. the emdr is going well, they told me some things i already knew but good to get confirmation on.

i’ve accomplished quite a lot given what happened, but it’s always “given what happened.” i accomplished a lot except finding tranquility in my own heart, and a person who really truly cared for and loved me. don’t dilly dally with that. it only gets harder, the longer in the tooth you get.

i wanted someone to genuinely care about me the way i cared for others, but i always knew it was no longer possible. it hurts every day that i wasn’t strong enough to heal enough and find that while i could. a lot was stolen from me, but nearly as much was taken by my own fear of the world.

yeah 🤍

it would be easier if i could control it, but talking to the therapist made it clear most of my wants/agentic actions/desires are downstream of the same root pain and i’m not near through fixing it yet. it’ll be okay, but going through it feels really quite rough.

my biggest fear is that i’ve already contributed the most i will ever be able to and i started interpersonal healing way too late to be able to have the one thing i really wanted in life. sometimes it feels like im just here to be here now, and i need to find a new achievable desire for myself.

this morning a respite from the front lines. i am going to go see a movie today, which one i don’t know. i want salty popcorn and butter. first film showing when i arrive at the theater.

i am entering the age regression to age progression pipeline

thank you that helps a lot. some of my friends have told me i have a “child’s spirit” but i didn’t really want to believe it because ive spent the past few years trying to cultivate strength and help people. but now the therapist is saying it too, im curious where it will go next appointment.

how did you unstick it?

my emdr therapist thinks part of my brain is “stuck” as a much younger age because of trauma and the goal is to unstick it so it can fully develop, and that’ll make the feelings more manageable. i am willing to try it at this point.

the emdr therapist thinks it’s a bad idea for me to be ruminating on the court records by myself and given my mental health over the past month i think she’s right so i am suspending the delve for now.

stayed up all night and did my consult and agreed to try emdr. i guess we’ll see how it goes.

are you also seattle based? i live in cap hill.

it’s nice to be able to call a friend for three hours at midnight bcuz you’re feeling down. it feels like you’re not so alone as you think

yes of course.