ANYWAYS

now he's dead i can't figure out what i feel more, glad that it's over & he isn't unimpressed/vile anymore - he isn't anything, OR upset that he won't see me succeed, won't change his mind abt me or regret anything, he will always be repulsive/insecure & i will always have had him as a father

i can look at my life & see what that did and how that shaped the worst parts of me, but it's like watching myself from a few feet back & i can't/don't catch myself before i'm really mean-spirited or trying to get the attention of someone who doesn't care abt me & then get so disgusted with myself

even without the abuse it was always weird and didn't feel right, he was so cold/sarcastic/mean and he was upset that we were kids and needed help/time/patience, always made me feel disgusting for wanting anything or depending on him, made me feel stupid for having questions or being empathetic

i don't get how i'm supposed to process when it was so much NOTHING, i can genuinely recall maybe 4 or 5 good memories & one of those i recently learned was actually him talking abt having just pushed himself onto my mom (they hadn't been together in 10ish yrs and he'd cornered her in my house)

i was 14 the last time i saw him as a kid and that day he accused me of using him for money? gross of him to ascribe adult qualities to kids, very gross of him to ascribe gf qualities to kids (HIS kids no less), i saw him once after that abt 10 yrs later & then another 10 yrs passed & now he's dead

i'm tired of this grandpa!

I'm working on cutting down on my belongings, I donated like 60% of my clothes last week, going to re-evaluate the stuff I kept today to see if I can part with more, I'm also going through my books and CDs today, I'm sick of feeling disorganized

jk its ennui but yknow

(it's me)

girls be like "i'm fighting demons" but the demons are just having a full-time job and doing laundry & dishes twice a week

actually never mind i've been cured

my stupidity is incurable

I think it's just exploring femininity in a way I felt I couldn't then?

weird time to be so down bad but ok

hey just wondering where the light in your eyes went homie? did you happen to let them take it by any chance?

do you ever get worried that you're wasting the horniest years of your life? like this is the hottest you'll ever be are you truly getting the most out of it?

"that's beautiful, i'll think of earlier"

blue monday was worth it tbh

what would be the point?

my mind is playing tricks on me